Good Person

Today a college friend of mine called for some spiritual support and friendship support regarding being in a divorce. My heart wept. It is never a good thing to hear about a marriage falling apart and in the destruction phase, ending. This begs the question why do bad things happen to good people?

If you asked me as a little girl around my daughter's age, I would've told you that there were all these dreams and visions God gave me. Thirty something years later, I'm following in that young girl's dreams & visions, but the journey to get there is very far from what was anticipated.

Overall, I've been a good person in the world's standards. Jealousy wasn't something that reigned in my body, though, for much of my life, I was incredibly competitive. Good sportsmanship marked me, as well as a persevering spirit. Celebrating other people's successes was and is a strong trait of mine.

So why have so many bad things happened to me? Afterall, I'm a Christian and God is on my side, right? Is God bad? No, God is good ALL the time. God cannot do anything bad. He gives people free will and sometimes that free will means that people make bad choices that do negatively impact me. Any person has their own ability to make wrong choices at any time, just as they do right choices.

The Bible says that it in Matthew 5:45, ". . . He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." This verse tells us that good and bad things happen to both good and bad people.

What I'm learning is that even in these dark times, God shows up so well. In fact, God shows up so well when things are great, but because often there is an independence on God during those good times, we don't acknowledge our need on the Lord. He wants our fellowship. He wants that intimate time with us, but we neglect Him. He wants to be totally Lord of our lives.

John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Can a grape say that he wants to be all by himself and be okay, live and thrive? No, he must remain on the vine depending on the vine to give him his food, nourishment so he can grow, thrive, live.

Isn't it ridiculous that the grapes that choose to detach from the vine and think they can make it on their own? How often do we do that in our own lives as Christians? When my children were toddlers, I can hear them saying, "No, I can do it all by myself!" Aren't we like that? What a fallacy?

When we are plugged into the Source (God) that gives us Life, we are totally connected to a powerful life. It's just that most of us fail to recognize this and live it out in faithful actions. The thing is, most people will experience sorrow, pain, regret and a host of events in their lives that will hurt greatly. For the Christian, they can choose to rely on God. For the non-Christian, I'm not sure who you would lean on that would truly comfort.

Pain, not something that I desire, but there is a gift in pain. For with pain, it not only tells us something is awry, but it's often an instigator to change, as we will be more opened to change hopefully.

Me

I've been at many crossroads over the past 5 yrs, particularly the last 3. The one thing all these crossroads have is that it keeps leading me to a place of dependence, reliance on the Lord and not on my own strength.

In fact, it's not MY faith, rather faith comes from God. As I've seen lately and looking back through my near 35 yrs as a Christian, which is most of my life, it's recognizing that ME cannot do any of it. I'm not a good parent, a good Christian, a good friend or anything without God. Even with God in my life, a Christian due to her human nature, still attempts to make it on her own, to stand on her on two feet.

When, the realization that even the mere fact of standing on one's feet physically is a miracle from God. Without comparing to others, especially in the area of tragedies, just seeing some of the stunts of my past, being able to walk, to stand, to run are all miracles from God.

John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." This verse has been read countlessly by myself, as well as people from all times after the Bible was written. However, how often do we really think it's all about us, and our own self-sufficiency. How many of us wish we just didn't need others as much as we think?

The thought of relying on a God that I cannot physically touch or see sometimes seems surreal to me. Other times, though my eyes cannot behold Him, His presence is so real. I can't do ANY of my life, even what seemingly seems so simple, with YOU!

Apart from God, I cannot do anything.

I don't know how my life is going to pan out in any respect. Correct choices can be made, but God doesn't guarantee a cushy life, which mine has not been. It seems like it's one challenge after another. My Heavenly Father has His reasons. The thing is, my mind is riddled with questions, doubts, fears, anger, frustrations. He is a big God and I'm sure He can handle all these feelings that are inside of me that are crying out desperately to Him.

To blindly trust, to ask no questions but to trust, follow, obey seems unfathomable to me. I think God says it's okay to ask Him, to use my mind. In the end, though, He does want me to obey.

As I go through my own challenges with my children, perhaps God is doing similar to me but from a scale of perfection, His perfection. It's not about me, but about Him. Yet, He cares for me.

Slowing Down

I once had a different thought in life - go as fast as you can, do as much as you can. You might miss out. Maybe in going as fast as you can and doing as much as you can, you miss out. Life, for me, for the past 20+ years has gone by so fast. My schedule has been booked.

When children came into my life, my own children, life moved even faster. It wasn't until this past year, when my already devestating financial situation turned worse and worse. Life had to slow down because I wasn't able to pay for things I'd always been able to.

Instead, my children and I just grew to spend time together, to enjoy each other, to laugh, to play, to give hugs and kisses, to give thanks. As our finances grew worse, we began to add blessings to the verbal gratitudes we already had been doing for the past 3 shares that we shared with each other. We chose to verbally express who or what we wanted to bless.

Yesterday, I got to speak to a friend who is 5 months older than me. He told me a few months ago, he had a mini-stroke. Life is too short. He lived a life where he chased after material things and enjoyed them, but it wasn't worth it. Now, life has slowed down for him, and he's able to "smell the rose". The stroke was a blessing in disguise.

My financial woes are a blessing in disguise.

God is a good God. He did not create or want for my financial woes, nor my friend's stroke. He does not cause disease, sickness, or trauma. He's a good God and can only do good things. However, He is a God that can use those situations that are created either by our own choices, or by the choices of others that are not good, and turn those situations out for His glory.

Ask yourself - are those goals really worth it? Is it worth stressing everyone out for XXXX?

Stop and appreciate your life where you have. You never know when it's your time to meet your maker.

Maturing

I can tell that I am maturing emotionally, feel better about myself, as well as growing spiritually in the right direction. As I evaluate the only relationship I've been in since my divorce, there were some key elements that told me "caution" and now I'm seeing them more clearly.

• Our value and worth are rooted in Jesus. If we're depending on someone else to validate who we are, that's not a good thing, because in the end, it's a fruitless & unfulfilling thing. As I look back at my own walk with the Lord, I used to live for the words and praises of other men to tell me how to value myself. If they said I looked "beautiful" or "sexy", I'd hang onto these words. It really doesn't matter anymore what they say as I know who I am and it doesn't depend on anyone saying anything to me.


• Not having the need to look for greener pastures, but working with the good that I already have. We can have wishful thinking, but it's that. Work with what you have unless it's soomething really bad and you just need to scrap it.


• Inability to properly communicate or articulate desires, needs, boundaries. Communication is not under-rated. It is necessary in every relationship, and it must be effective, timely, and appropriate.


• Inability to have appropriate boundaries. Healthy boundaries are good safeguards to protect our relationship with the Lord.


• One of the things I noticed when my relationship with God was weak and immature was that I had the need to have multiple men validate ME. It's like with my dogs or how many people are. They want what someone else has. I felt flattered when I was taken or unavailable to other men and those other men would pursue me. This was such faulty thinking, as these other men had no respect for my unavailability. It was control, disrespect and a host of other not ungodly traits in those other men.

While I was in my courtship, most of my single male friends dropped out of sight, or kept very low communications with me. Those that continued to hit on me showed disrespect, even after I repeatedly set the boundary. I'm so glad as I think of the couple of men that did that, they are not men that truly cared about me, and it would be to my best interest to not get involved with them or really even keep them in my life.

We become what we associate with. It takes maturity to not be swayed with every whim. God is still working on me. Getting there by God's grace.

Gratitude Stats

I think it's really important daily to have an attitude of gratitude. Everyone can find things to be thankful for and you can be thankful for anything (preferably not bad things happening to others). While in this one group I was in several years ago, a person started a goal of doing 5 gratitudes per day, which I adopted. I continued in that group doing at least 5 gratitudes a day, often more for a couple years. When I left the group, I continued some of that here in FB, but because some of my gratitudes were so personal, I chose to go private for only a select few to read.

Here are some interesting stats about the 1325 days I've logged gratitudes (that's 3.63 years). I thought I hadn't missed any days, but I had missed 3 days with no gratitude list. :(

Some Stats:

Total Gratitudes in 1325 Days: 16,325

Min. Gratitudes/Day = 5
Max. Gratitudes/Day = 85

Average Daily Gratitude = 12.32

Days Most Gratitudes = Wed (2446 gratitudes), Tues (2401 gratitudes)

Days Fewest Gratitudes = Sat (2233 gratitudes), Fri (2251 gratitudes)

These are just the gratitudes I write out. My kids and I verbally share our gratitudes with each other at least in the morning and evening, if not also sometime during the middle of the day. It's really a very awesome thing.

Having a thankful heart has really helped us through some really rough periods. I'm sure we would've been far worse off had we not been reminded morning, afternoon, evening to find things to be thankful for.

I look forward to be able to log tens of thousands of gratitudes over my lifetime.

Won't you join me?

Good Parking Spots

As I sit here in a cafe in a very nice area of the valley with my laptop in the corner, hiding behind a little wall, iPod earbuds in, my mind waivers between empowering thoughts of who I am in Christ, and my most recently failed courtship of nearly a year. It's left me feeling very lonely, as I had grown accustomed to daily communications with my former beau now to practically nothing. He's shared my life with me for nearly the past year and I'm alone again.

All too often I've heard women complain about why men don't commit, even when she is what he said he wanted. Then, there are some men that are so wanting to commit, yet they either aren't in my life or not enough of the pieces of the puzzle fit, the chemistry or something isn't right.

Yes, there are multiple books on this subject ranging from how do each of the opposite sex think/act/feel to the law of attraction stuff. Frankly, I do understand some things and others I do not.

I heard this a few years ago in a sermon by Joel O'Steen. He talked about praying for the good parking spots. So, I began praying for these good parking spots and began getting them. God is a good God and He's always good. God doesn't cause bad things to happen. Satan is bad all the time. There is no good in Satan.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them who love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose." So, even when something bad does happen, God can turn what was meant for evil around for good. It's a bit hard to rationalize when something bad happens how God can turn that around and that He did not cause it.

He is God and He knows what decisions everyone will make. We are also not puppets, rather God gives EVERYONE free will, the freedom to choose whatever they want. That doesn't mean there aren't any consequences, as there are to all decisions we make.

Okay, back to the parking spots. I notice that most of the time I get awesome parking spaces. The whole parking lot may be full and just as I pull into the area, a spot opens up right in front. It's so funny that my kids and I automatically expect God to bless us with a good space. Lately, since it's so hot here in the Valley of the Sun, I opt for sometimes walking further to get a shady parking spot, and so we often get a shady spot.

God is so good.

In terms of men, though I do not want to go from relationship-to-relationship, I ought to adopt the same thought process as I do parking spaces ---> good relationships come into my life, especially really good men, and one of them will be my future husband. What do you think? :)

Pain

The song by Josh Wilson, "Before The Morning" says, the pain that you're feeling is the dark before the morning. Considering all the pain I've gone through the past decade of a failed marriage, the loss of my family unit, going from being a near millionaire to having no money and deeply in debt, health issues, safety issues, run in's with the law from various forms, violence against me, other failed relationships, friendship betrayals, loss of dreams . . . I can honestly say that God is so very good.

Not that any of these situations are desirable as they are NOT! But, through each of these situations, I've gained new insights, greater empathy & compassion as I walk through the hell of all this mess. God has moved mightily and though the pain was/is unbearable during the darkest moments of each, He was able to lift me up, hold my hand, and often carry me through the situation when all I wanted to do was die.

All that pain is fading to memories. It doesn't stay unless you choose to allow it to. There is a great joy that eminates from deep within that isn't dependent upon circumstances, rather it rests on who God says He is. Who is He? He's God and He's a good God!

Favor

When I started this blog, I honestly thought I would be writing significantly more to it as I felt excited about the things God was doing, at least the positive part of me. In February, I had come back from a financial seminar that I thought was really awesome where I gained some valuable insights on better managing my money. One of the things promised was that each family could find $2,000 where they could save a year.

Surely in my situation where the financial condition is not good and that looked bleak, it was exciting to know that even with the small amount of money that we had that God helped me to be resourceful and figure out how to get $2K extra per year without bringing in more money. So very exciting.

Then, a week later, our source of income was taken completely away where we went down to basically $0. How do you live on $0 a month coming in when your financial resources are depleted? This truly was a test of trusting God in all this.

There's a huge story here of going from pretty well-off middle class to bringing in $0, being flat broke, and relying on God to really resource all this. It wasn't that I didn't plan or save for many years, but due to many different circumstances, this was where I was at the beginning of March.

What do I do, Lord?

Psalm is one of my favorite books of the Bible, but if you really read it, David isn't happily praising God because everything is hunky dory in his life, rather things are pretty crappy. There are times he's being hunted down like an animal to be killed, yet he's praising God. Was David a lunatic or just God gave him a much extra dose of ability to endure pain and just be happy? I don't think so on either accounts.

Rather, David does get depressed, is angry, frustrated, in despair. He cries out to God and there are times he felt alone, forsaken. However, he realizes those are the lies of the enemy and with the relationship God and David have during these really tough times, an intimacy is created - a great deepening.

One of the things that I contend with is GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. How can a God that is good allow so much evil? Surely God could wipe everyone out and just start over, right? Yes. But, the thing of free will, choice that God gives each person. Someone could choose wisely or not. It's their choice. SOMEHOW God works things out. The other thing I have to remember is that SATAN IS BAD ALL THE TIME. There is nothing bad about God and nothing good about Satan.

Although that might seem like easy statements to say, when the bad things do happen, is it from God? God could choose to treat us like puppets, but He does not. He lets us go about making our own decisions, of our own free will. God is also God. He also knows what you will do and He can help orchestrate things to help us make a better choice, or it could be a test to help strengthen a weak area in our lives.

God is the ultimate multi-tasker. He's also the master artist. He sees the picture in His mind and puts the pieces together to create the masterpiece in each of our lives.

I've put everything at stake to make the ultimate dream of raising my kids myself come true, which I've been doing for the past 3.5 yrs. Inspite of a nasty divorce & custody battle, and a string of devestating blows financially (will spare the details for now) and otherwise, I feel sort of like Rocky as he gets back up one more time, staggering, bloodied, tired.

My God has been so good to us. Surely it might seem silly to most that being able to have a full tank of gas is delightful or that being able to eat a delicious organic homecook meal, I savor the bites, or that I can go to the Dollar Store and buy anything for a $1 because I have $5 to get 5 different things. I feel like a queen. Yet, these very things just a few years before I would not have been grateful and felt that I deserved to just walk into a store and just buy what I want (within reason).

I've begun just looking at the things in my daily life where there is possibly an attitude of entitlement, indifference, or just taking for granted. Do you see areas where you have God's favor? Can you breathe easily? You can walk across the room by yourself? Can you blink? These are things many of us take for granted, but they are not a given for some people.

Thank you God that I can wiggle my toes & fingers, that I can smile and say, "Thank you." I'm so glad I have Your favor!