Manifestations

I don't usually share this in Christian circles too much because it sounds New Ageish (sp?), but I will here in this blog.  It is my understanding that who we are on the inside manifests itself on the outside.  If you have a hole in your life caused by lots of hurt & shame, and you've not received healing for this, then most likely you will continue to allow those patterns of hurt & shame into your life.

One of those areas of hurt and shame in my life were my choices of the wrong men.  I have been seriously analyzing this for over a year now and making HUGE changes here.  How can you make changes unless you see areas that need changing?  God has really opened my eyes to many lies I had believed, but also living in, perpetuating repeatedly.  Not a good thing.

Recently I had a man come into my life fairly briefly.  Didn't get a chance to really get to know him, but through the course of some longer communications in a short timeframe, I got to learn he fits many of the qualities I desire in my future husband.  Some of those qualities are superficial, but others were not.  He did not, however, fulfill the #1 criteria and that was to have such a deep, intimate personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

This man is at a point in his life where he is ready for a real relationship, and I am not.  I wanted to be whole & complete financially.  Some of the logistics of things that I thought would be issues, I now realize with him, they probably would not be.  It was whether I was ready or not, and my availability. 

He had the courtesy to talk with me, to clear things up and to tell me where he was and where he thought I was.  It was me.  And, since we were both clear aobut what we wanted, and things didn't align, why waste time?  It takes maturity to want something that you really want, and to walk away from it because it isn't in the long-term best interest of anyone.

Human nature is to go for that thing that is temporarily pleasurable and not think about the long-term consequences.  This guy didn't do that, nor did he make any excuses to "let me down" or to try to pursue me to conquer me. 

I wondered and asked God not too long ago whether the direction I was taking in my stance and position with men and relationships was the right one.  He answered it with this guy and showed me there are some incredible men out there who can be and are interested in me.  Okay, timing is slightly off, but this gives me hope that there are emotionally mature, caring, financially responsible and successful men that are available.

God is so very good.

Genie in a Bottle

I think often in the American culture we deem God as a genie in a bottle.  We ask Him for something and He grants us our wish, or maybe not.  This is God!  The GREAT I AM!  The infinite being who created all the universe and beyond.  I think that was a fragmented sentence.  Uh oh.

God is not a genie in a bottle and He is the originator of creativity.  We can ask God for things and He can give us what we ask for, or not.  But, I think sometimes in our mere finiteness, we forget we are finite and God is infinite.

God may answer "Yes" to something we ask for, but it may not be given to us as we envision.  I asked God to help make me a better manager of money quite some time ago.  I'm not going to go through all the gory details, but in a nutshell, financially everything had to be taken away from me and then very little was given to me to manage.  God had to see that He could trust me with just a minute amount of money, and see where my heart was before He can trust me.  We're still in that phase now, but I see God graduating me soon to the next level.

It has been a super painful way to learn to be a better manager of money.  I would have to classify the past 2-3 yrs, in particular, excruciatingly painful, living on prayers and miracles.  I've had to learn that God is sufficient and He gives me grace to go through every single circumstance.  Though, frankly, I thought I would die through some of them or want to die because it hurt so very much.

Even though I am still in the woods and haven't cleared it yet, this part of the lesson is nearly over and on to the next step.  God has to see that He has my attention and my allegiance.  He had to strip me of all that superficial stuff and make me realize that HE is in control, NOT me. 

Many times, God had to bring all sorts of people, Scriptures, circumstances to remind me who I am - His favorite daughter.  I didn't seem to learn with the prior lessons, so He knew that if He cranked it up a bunch, He'd have my attention.  And through all this, I learned His sweet and tender mercies.  They are new every day.  Great is His faithfulness.

As the saying goes, we can become bitter or we can become better.  I'm choosing better.

Addictions & Obsessions

For a long time I deemed myself a passionate person, and that may be so.  But, I'm having to redefine what that means.  Over these past few years, God has been showing me how addicted and obsessed my life has been on various things.  Once I fixate on something, I cling to it for dear life and get all I can out of that.

Addictions and obsessions take hold of your life and there is a very unhealthy draw.  I would deem there is a demonic draw to something.  This can be to objects, to ideas, to things you are doing, people, anything.  The Bible says that anything that we hold up and worship is an idol and that is wrong.

Though I have been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and He is my personal Savior, I do believe there are demonic forces that can influence my life from the past as well as the present.  There are things that I may encourage in my life for these ungodly forces to remain and even to grow stronger.

Now, this may all sound eerie and strange, like I am a bit crazy.  What about the anorexic person who thinks he or she is fat when they are obviously way too thin for the normal person?  What about the person hooked on heroine or the workaholic that can't stop working because his identity is totally wrapped up in his work?  What about the man who feels the need to feel powerful so he must conquer women by whatever way he deems good in his mind?  What about the person that constantly buys things she doesn't need and spends far more than she has.  The list really is endless on the things people are addicted to.

Those addictions and obsessions are a stronghold, and it's not a godly stronghold, rather a demonic stronghold.  The devil wants you to believe the lie that without that addiction, you are nothing.  When, in fact, the Bible, God's Word, says the very opposite.  God said each person in this world is so valuable that He gave His only Son to die on the Cross for our sins.  Yes, that's your sin and my sin.

I used to be addicted to exercise, the need to control, analyzing things to death, the internet, chatting, men, relationships, hoarding money.  Those are just some of the things that I felt so compelled to keep doing, drawn to and I couldn't seem to stop myself.  I'm a big self-help junkie, oh, that's another one of those things, and I tried to fix myself from these addictions and it would last for a short period of time, with each time me returning back with a stronger vengeance.

It's my great belief that I didn't see the demonic strongholds and how I was playing into all of it.  As I learned different things, I began to see the lies these demonic ties created.  Through repentance and deliverance prayers over time, the ungodly holds were each broken.  I had an unhealthy spiritual relationship with each of those things, but once those ties were broken, it's like I no longer needed self-control.  It was a natural thing to now have a healthy relationship with each of those things, a fine balance.

For example, I still love exercise.  But, I no longer feel compelled to HAVE to exercise all the time or if I miss, I don't beat myself up repeatedly.  And, for the internet, I no longer stay on for consistently long periods of time, rather, I do what I need to do and then am off to spend time with God, my kids, other people, or do something that is productive.

There are still some areas of my life where there are unhealthy relationships and I do believe they stem from a spiritual aspect.  What exactly, I'm not sure, but it is something I'm praying and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal the root and eliminate it.  It could be one thing or it could be multiple things.

What there one thing that got rid of the exercise addiction or internet addiction?  I don't think so, but it was probably a myriad of things.  When I prayed, I prayed over a number of things (first came repentance) so it could've been all those things or 1-2 or ?????  All I know is that I'm no longer addicted.

Because I see the awful holds it had on my life and the terrible consequences, I'm also watching out for my own children to see they do not become ensnared in any addictions or obsessions.  It means keeping myself Holy & acceptable to God, pleasing to Him, so that I can hear Him speaking to me.