Which Path Do You Choose?

[Day 2] Grasmere: Memory Lane - Behind the Church (2 of 6), a photo by fridgeuk on Flickr.

A discussion I had with long time girlfriends last night had me pondering the paths we choose. Andy Stanley writes this book Direction of the Path and he sheds insights on our choices and the paths we take in life.

We all choose a path to take in life and sometimes that path seems different from another person, but the end destination is the same.

One person may have an awful childhood, another whose childhood was intact, but the child broken inside. One chooses a safe route, or so she thinks. Another chooses a dangerous route. They both end up at the same place.

How is that so? Maybe the one who thought she was on the safe route walked in the center of that path, no fear of veering off the path. While the other, on the same path, walked the edges, enjoying the thrills.

In the end, it was the wrong path for both. Where did they choose the wrong path initially? At the crossroads.

The only way to get off the path, Pastor Stanley says, is to change the direction and get on a different path. You can't do that unless you acknowledge that you are on the wrong path and that you must change directions.

The expression, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Intentions is not enough for you to be on the right path. You must CHOOSE the right path.

Jesus Christ ----> Heaven

Not choosing Christ specifically -----> Hell

Pretty stark, profound, but simple. You must not only believe there is the right path, but you must contientiously make that choice.

Ask Jesus Christ to be your Savior by realizing you are a sinner, that Christ came to earth to die for your sins. He is the only way to God, and there are no other means (i.e., good works, giving money to needy people, doing good things, being what you think is a good person).

Jesus conquered death and is alive today. Not only believe all these things, but ask Him to forgive you of your sins and to come into your life, to be Lord & Savior of your life.

Really mean it as much as you can right at this moment, but that's it in choosing the right path for your eternal destination.

Maybe you think you're a Christian because you live in a Christian nation or you've gone to church, or even grew up in the church. None of those things make you a Christian. Not only must you individually believe in what Jesus Christ did for you, but you must accept & receive it for your own.

It doesn't count if someone else wants it for you. You must make the choice yourself.  Don't rationalize it.  It doesn't always make sense.  Intention is not enough.  You must take action.

Once you're on the right path, then to continue on that path (by the way, once you're on that path, you can't ever get on the wrong path again, but you can still make wrong choices, like being on the fringes of the path), I suggest you find a good Bible believing and practicing church that suits you to grow.

There are many different churches for all different people. I've gone through the gambit, but one thing remains, they are all strong in the Word of God - the Bible.  However, as a caveat, not all churches are good churches or the right church.

If you have any questions, concerns or just want to know more, leave a comment for me or message/email me.

God bless you.  You can make the right choice for your eternal destination in a matter of a couple minutes.  That's it.

Fri, 30-Dec-2011 - Hold My Hand

Hold My Hand, a photo by sarah jane photography and design on Flickr.

This photo reminds me of a walk I took the other day with my 8-yr old son in a setting very opposite of this. There is no area anywhere where we walked that looked like this, but that's alright. The point was that I got a walk with my son.

It was a precious time with only he and I, walking, and, at times, holding hands. There was such a sweetness and innocence to the whole hour or so we walked. My mind flashed back to when he was a toddler, and his hand would be high into the air, holding mine, as he struggled to keep up with me.

Now, as an 8-yr old, that no longer was the case. He was actually walking very briskly, much faster than me. We talked about all sorts of things, including his dad and his feelings about him. My heart felt so sad, but it was good for him to talk about it.

We enjoyed the crispness of the evening, not even mindful of the cars zipping by as we walked near the freeway (the park is near the freeway). We were in our own little world, just enjoying some quiet moments between mommy and son, with no distractions or intrusions.

Being a single mom of 2, usually I have both the kids at the same time, and we share in everything. However, those moments alone with only one child, being able to devote my whole attention to an audience of one, is always special.

I think about my relationship with God, in how He loves that audience of ONE, where He is the ONE. He craves and desires each of His children individually, desiring that closeness, that intimacy. He gets joy when we can tune out the distractions and just focus on Him, being in His presence, basking in the One who created us.

I'm reminded of an old Baptist hymn, He Walks With Me . . . "And He walks with me and He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known."

God desires for us to walk with Him and to talk with Him.

I'll have to admit that as the holiday season came upon in November, as well as sickness, so much on my plate with activities & social things, my daily walks with God has waned, often falling to the wayside with a combination of laziness.

In a discussion last night with M, he had expressed about not feeling all that great because he hadn't been exercising due to an injury. My exercise has been sparse & intermittent, but I know when I'm regularly exercising moderately and not some of the insane things I do, that I feel great.

Similarly when I'm daily walking with God through prayer, spending time in His Word learning about Him, worship through song & gratitude, there is a greater connectedness I feel with my Creator.

Lord, hold my hand again and let's take a stroll through Your garden. I need Your Presence not for anything happening in my life, rather I just desire and crave for that time with You again, to feel Your touch upon my life and to see with Your eyes.

Thurs, 29-Dec-2011 -- Gratitude

Gratitude Journal, a photo by limevelyn on Flickr.

Although it's not the very last day of the year, I wanted to reflect a bit on being grateful, having gratitude. Today I began to take an inventory on my journey with gratitude. Over five years ago, I began to keep a gratitude journal online, with basically starting out with 5 gratitudes a day. This stemmed off a group that I belong to online, a goal in that group that I was a part of.

Now, more than 5 yrs later and over 27,000 gratitudes logged, 1883 days journaled (I've missed 3 days total in 5 yrs), I can truly see God's hand of love, mercy and grace covering my kids and I.

In 2006, I retired from my profession in engineering, hoping to never need to go back. But, I was also burned out from work, not doing well with recovering from a traumatic event the year before. I started doing my gratitudes in the last quarter of the year.  I averaged 6 gratitudes a day.

In 2007, my children's and my world fell apart at the discovery of my husband's affairs and adultery, and him walking away from our marriage. I also discovered the financial demise he put us in and also walked away from, leaving me to raise 2 young kids alone and destroying our finances that I worked for many years to build. The storms began to brew. I averaged 10 gratitudes a day. Missed 2 days.

In 2008, I continued to work on grasping at straws to hold what little of our finances there were and getting help, but to no avail. My divorce was finalized, but I was still a wreck, as my kids. We began counseling to help us recover from the devestation. I averaged 11 gratitudes a day. I missed 1 day.

In 2009, financial collaspe of our personal finances was inevitable. We had to sell our home and move in with my dad. I praise God my dad is around to help us, but definitely humbling. We were flat broke and deeply in debt.

My ex-husband took no responsibility for what he caused, though, legally he is obligated. But, I was left to bear all the burden. I averaged 17 gratitudes a day. I missed NO days.

In 2010, it was adjusting to everything, but no additional turmoil beyond what was already happening. I averaged 15 gratitudes a day. I missed NO days.

In 2011, it was a year of hell being in court 7-8 times for 3 different things. With finances being drained, living on miracles, gaining back weight that took me months to lose, it seemed like things were never going to get better. I averaged 20 gratitudes a day.

I noticed in the years when things were particularly bad, even though all of them seemed that way, I dug my heels in and thanked God more.  It wasn't for the bad circumstances, rather for drawing me closer to Him and for teaching, correcting and refining me to be more like Him.

It says in Psalm 100:4-5, 4
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

I can honestly attest to God's faithfulness through everything we've been through. I'm learning to step out of victim mode and once again get up, stand up, and instead of placing my confidence on myself in my own independence, rather humbly stand up and rely on God through everything.

God has moved on the hearts of many people, including total strangers, to give us favor, assistance, support & encouragement. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and in my case, it's required my community, which consists of my family, church, friends, and strangers to come along side of us.

God has moved heaven and earth to change my heart, attitudes, viewpoints towards so many things. I have come to realize that we need to very little.  Life is much simpler.  Though I would never wish what happened in our lives to anyone, God turned around what the enemy meant for bad and to destroy, these awful circumstances has helped us learn to appreciate these blessings in disguise.  My precious Lord did major housecleaning in my life.

Through my tears, heartache and pain, God held my heart in His hands and cried, too. He bottled our tears and did not allow one to be wasted.  Instead of seeing with eyes of having lost much, I've gained more than  could ever be imagined.  There is a sweetness that fills and envelopes my children's and my life.

It is humbling to see a heart of gratitude developed through the gift of pain. I praise my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the pain He endured so I could be free and grateful.

How grateful are you?  I encourage you to daily live with gratitude.  It'll change your life.

Fri, 23-Dec-2011 -- Discounts

Discount offer - Bangalore-najeebkhan@hotmail.com, a photo by najeebkhan2009 on Flickr.

Today my kids and I got some great sales on some things using coupons and coupon codes with some things that were already on sale. Even something that we wanted, the store we were at didn't have it and sent us to another store, which allowed us to get an even bigger discount.

As I thought about the great deals we got, I thoguht of the reason for the season, which is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ over 2000 years ago. He came to earth to die for the sins of all mankind, giving mankind this gift that cost him everything, and giving it to us for free.

Christ's life wasn't discounted. It was paid for with a completely full price.

I'm so grateful for receiving this gift more than thirty years ago. And, that both my children also received this gift the past 2-3 yrs ago. We are so incredibly blessed.

What will you do? Will you receive this gift?

Thurs, 22-Dec-2011 --- Connection

connection, a photo by Bacchic Hiccups on Flickr.

A conversation I had today with a new person really hit home in a day in age where there are more sources of being able to connect and to do it more quickly, people are more isolated than ever.

With a few keystrokes or buttons, someone in Arizona could connect with some in Russia in a matter of seconds. Yet, that same person cannot even go across the street to talk to their neighbor. How sad it that?

You can be in your place and never leave it and be so connected to everyone in the world, yet connected to no one and feel so alone.

Thankfully I go to a church that truly believes in in-person community, of not only fellowship, but really learning to be transparent and love on each other in practical (and sometimes even non-practical) ways.

I am truly blessed that over this Christmas season that I am connected to so many people who really do care about my kids and I. It's not just about something to do, but getting together with people you really want to be with. Granted, we get invited to so many things that we cannot attend everything.

And, when we don't get invited to something, it really doesn't hurt my feelings as usually we get invited to an average of 9 things a month all through the year. That's over 100 things a month on top of the normal things we are involved in. Insane, eh? It's just my 2 kids and I. That does not include playdates either.

But, even a person like me who has lots of friends to choose from, even I can sometimes feel isolated or would want to isolate.

The key to avoid isolation is to really learn to serve and put other's interests above your own. Some people do great at this, and others don't. Connection is truly letting people into your lives, letting them know the real you, and being okay with that. It's accepting others as they are and being present.

A hundred years ago, people needed each other more, so there was a significant amount of connected. Even when I was a kid 30 years ago, there was just Atari. You couldn't play video games with people across the country, or town, or world. You could beat heck virtually out of a person with a userid and never see their face or know anything about them.

How sad that is.

There is something really good about face-to-face. You can see their body language, their facial expressions, hear their voice. It's good. Get more face-to-face time with people. Find places where people want to connect and make the time for it, in person.

I do it at my church, with my family, with girlfriends, my single moms' group, with former colleagues. I don't always feel like doing it, but am always glad I did. It gets me a little closer to them.

Take the effort to reach out to others. Maybe they are just as lonely as you and just want a little human touch, or to hear a friendly voice.

God bless you!

Wed, 21-Dec-2011

Colorful Gerbera Daisy, a photo by twg1942 on Flickr.

The photographer of this flower has captured well the essence and beauty of it - the delicacy, as well as the brilliance, yet such a simplicity.

Yesterday was the last school day of 2011 for my children. Today was a day of rest to shake off some of the stuff from this year. Over the past 2 days, I've gotten a chance to reconnect with some old friends, which all happened to be single males. That is quite interesting.

And, today I got an opportunity to get to know someone a bit better, another male, yet married. I'd have to say all the conversations with each male has been fun and fascinating.

As a learned observer of life, particularly my life, it intrigues me to see how God is changing me, helping me to conform more to His image, or that I see aspects of myself that aren't really all that godly.

Among these men, there is a range of strong faith, to weak faith, to different faith, to no faith rather self reliance.

All day long I've spent resting and just listening & reading about relationships and how to understand the dynamics of men and women better.

To these Gerbera Daisies, they seem vastly feminine, yet striking and gorgeous. I wonder if I am that, not only on the outside, but on the inside. Do I know and believe in the woman God made me to be, or am I filled with self doubt.

As I look at some of my friends with recent connections, now I look more inwardly and wonder if I've changed enough, evolved enough.

A different man in my life tells me I am perfect the way I am, that I need no changing. For a person that is in a perpetual state of continuous improvement, maybe that's something I have not learned to accept. Maybe what he meant was that right at this moment, I am perfect despite my flaws which maybe he sees as beautiful.

So, today I am learning to enjoy being a woman, to bask in the attention of good men in my life and appreciate each of my relationships with them whether they be frequent communications or seldom. Each add a different, unique element all their own.

God is so very good, and today I've been enable to embrace the whole day and what came with it. Have you?

Tues, 20-Dec-2011 --- Festive

It honestly feels like a Friday, as today was the last day of school for my children. It was only a half day and I was at school with them the whole time. It seemed like a really long morning and seemed to drag on. No studies were done, just watching movies, and a bunch of other festive activities.

Lately I've been wearing some summer dresses paired up with leggings and long-sleeved tops, which is really cool because that makes it seem like I actually have more clothes.

12-20-11 (Festive), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

As I pondered some wandering from class-to-class and chit chatting with teachers, parents, students, my heart was feeling warm with gratitude. As a mom, one of my dreams was to have the time to spend with my children in a free way.

I am incredibly grateful to God for this privilege to spend these past near 5 yrs doting on my children, teaching them God's Word, and walking it out with them amidst the hardships, pain & difficutlies we've experienced.

Sometimes out of pure exhaustion with no help available to parent my children and juggle the battles that ensued, the heartache we all felt, God gave me strength to get back up one more time to face things that I would soon as well forget, but couldn't. Ignoring truth is never good because eventually you have to come to terms with such things.

As I flitted from place to place between the grade school my son was in and middle school of my children, armed with camera in hand, my heart just glowed. I get this time with my children and their schooling. I get this time with them, and a lot of parents wished they could.

God is our strength through not only the bad times, but particularly in the good times. It's in the good times we often forget about God and I am no exception. But, each day, God does something to wow me.

It could be from being sick and barely being able to get out of bed and then having the ability to get out of bed, or breathe well. We often don't realize what we have until we don't have it. What a shame.

Despite the wonderful times God gives to us, I'm deeply aware there are people in this world who feel and are very lonely, and have no one, not even God to turn to. Their days are covered in darkness, in aloneness, with no hope. I cannot imagine.

This season is not about buying stuff, or decorations, or the number of social events we can attend, rather it is about the birth of Jesus Christ and what He came to earth to do - give all of mankind a choice to never be alone, to have hope and for all eternity.

Do you know Jesus Christ as your Savior? If not, you can. It's really easy.

1. Acknowledge you are a sinner - meaning you've done things that are against God.

2. Know that the only way to God & Heaven is through Jesus Christ, as Jesus Christ came to earth to die for all the world's sins, but conquered death and now lives. He sits at the right hand of God.

3. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and ask Jesus Christ to be Lord and Savior of your life.

4. Really mean in your heart #1-3. That's it.

It is not enough to just believe & know #1 & #1, but you must do #3. He'll change your life, give you hope, be with you forever.

Some people's outward life changes immediately, and other's do not rather it's a gradual process, like me, which has taken over 30 yrs.

Even someone like me who has many friends, people close to me, and a plethora of support & love, there are times I do feel lonely when I get self absorbed. But, as I relinquish my narcissistic tendencies, and really invite God's presence to cover me (not some New Age mumbo jumbo), I cling and go to His Truth and let Him work, let Him satisfy my soul.

Where can we find more about God is plainly in His Word, the Bible. That's it. Not a commentary or a supplementary book, but just the Bible. There are many translations, some easier to read, and others more poetic, so you can have your pick.

If you received Jesus as your Savior as a result of reading my blog, I would love to hear from you. If you have any questions, feel free to comment and I'll get back to you.

God bless you.

Mon, 19-Dec-2011 --- Education

EDuCaTion ... !!, a photo by BaLLYoOo on Flickr.

It's always a challenge to address things that I feel a great deal of negative intensity towards. Like my parents, I greatly value education and it's a priority with me, next to a few other things like God, character, health and relationships.

There's a non-ideal situation where for the first time I am having to deal with this issue with regards to my kids and their education, and wondering if what they are getting is enough and appropriate.

Education isn't the end all, but it is a tool and resource to propel us in other areas of our lives. Knowing how to read and comprehend, as well as write, utilize math, understand the world around us are basic things I feel children need to know to empower them in other areas of their lives.

My children go to a reasonable school where learning in a positive environment is typically fostered, but it's not always the case. Now I'm having to address what I perceive is more old school stuff that perhaps how I grew up being educated rather than the type of school my children go to that embrace a gentler, kinder, positive atmosphere.

The past 6 years I've been accustomed to this, but I find this year, that is much different. Maybe my perspective is skewed. I don't know.

This is definitely something I need for God to intervene on, as I'm emotionally intense about this and feeling like a pitbull. What would please God in how I could handle this? This calls for seeking God and His righteousness and asking Him to Divinely step in and help me to glorify Him.

When I get upset, it's not always a God-honoring thing. At least I can take a step back now and think before I act, whereas in my younger years, I was like a bull in a China shop.

Sun, 18-Dec-11 (In a Fog)

12-18-11 (Fog), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

What a beautiful morning this was with the fog, as it felt like a dream. Today has felt like that, as this antibiotic I'm on is making me feel really tired, a very bad headache that I can't seem to shake. I'm feeling so nauseated, too.

Sometimes I take for granted feeling good, being well, being able to think clearly. I know for some, it won't seem like it's a fog, but I'm having a challenging time today keeping track of things in a multi-dimensional way as I normally would.

I'm not a big fan of western medicine, as I often think it just masks symptoms and band-aids problems without every getting to the root cause. I have a tirade on this which I won't go into because it's too complicated for me to think about at the moment.

As I mentioned to someone today, unless it's life threatening, typically I will not take medications and will attempt to figure out the root cause and eliminate that or something else. It's kept my kids and I overall healthier and with fewer side effects.

Wow, I just feel like puking now. I can't imagine how many people use western meds that get these horrible side effects when some of what they could be doing is a better approach that could be solved by natural means.

I wanted to be present with everything I did today, but it was a challenge with how I was feeling.  It seems that the older I get, the less tolerant physically I am to medications, as well as things like noise, smoke/pollution. 

Other things, as I get older, I've learned to give people more grace where judgment once reigned.  Learning to let go and forgive is something God has worked in me to extend to myself and others more readily. 

The expression that youth is wasted on the young so fits true with me.  I was quick to judge, slow to let go and forgive, to place my body under so much abuse through sleep deprivation, erratic & unhealthy eating, high stress, workaholism and other "isms".

But, continuing on that path only leads to destruction.  Thankfully, God drew me to Him and removed the scales from my eyes to realize those traits were not God's traits, but the opposite.  Through a lot of pain, He turned this wayward, rebellous, stubborn woman more towards His heart for my life.  Though today I physically was in a fog in my mind, I am clear that without Christ and walking with Him daily, I would literally live in a fog all the time in life without really knowing it.  God is so good to have lifted my spiritual fog and let me gain better clarity in a life with Him that truly satisfies.

Sat, 17-Dec-11 (After Party)

I had been really longing to spend time with some of my college friends and just catch up. Last year, I missed the annual Christmas party as I accidentally blocked evite in my email account. Found out I had missed 84 invitations from Mar to Dec'10.

12-17-11 (After Party), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

This year, Lily made sure I got the invitation by personally emailing me. So glad she did. My kids love going to this party as there are many kids, people, good food, and their mommy just gets to relax & chat with old friends.

It's been a hard week emotionally for me, so it was really good for my soul to just be with people who loved & cared for me, as we just pick up from where we left off. This has been going on for more than 20 yrs.

Most looked similar, maybe just a little older, a little wiser. I didn't realize how much I missed them. This year, it was just a bunch of us gals (all engineer graduates), which normally there are some of our male college friends there, but not this year. Unusual.

Some of the gals are still single, others married. I was the only one of us gals with children there this year. It's the same, but it's not. Hard to explain.

But, there was something comforting for my soul - not a need to be pretentious, but just be myself, with a few more scars under my belt. But, that's okay.

For a moment, I got to forget the drama and just chill with my gals. Okay, some of the gals had their significant others there, but they were good and it's that connection of being understood. No games.

I'm really glad we went. My daughter got a toilet mug, my son a cookie kit, and me, some candle holder stuff for the gift exchange. It's always fun.

I feel very blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love us. Though we all came back this time with some scars and not unscathed, but we were together again for a richness that money could not buy.

Once again, despite everything, God has blessed me beyond measure.

Failure

I love the song by 1000 Generations called "Fail Us Not" and the words are really wonderful.  The song talks about how none of our failures shock God, and that God is above all our failures, our problems, the things that terrifies us.  Whether people fail us or not, God never will fail us. 

Looking back briefly on life, this was not where I expected to be in my 40s, twice divorced, a single mom, financially broke, emotionally scarred, heartache galore, losing most of what I went to school and worked for.  Yet, in all of these failures, I have gained so much more than I ever could had I not gone through all this.

Before, I was prideful, thinking I could do everything on my own.  Oh, I didn't think I was prideful, but when you live independent of God, you are prideful.  Something my daughter said when she was just learning to walk, she would slap my hand and push it away and say, "I can do it!"  The fact is, none of us can truly live a fulfilled life that completely and utterly satisfies without Jesus Christ.

Through everything, there was a surrender that came with me kicking, screaming, crying, shouting, fighting.  I did not want to give up my independence, which was keeping me in bondage.  That was more hell on earth than anything I have gone through and I've been through some pretty bad things.

These last few years, the enemy (Satan) has shoved it in my face that I have failed at the biggest things in life.  But, the truth was, what he meant for evil, God turned it around for good.  In all this, I learned to humble myself and realize God's way is best, not mine.  I learned a dependence on Him, but there is still the tendency to want to add some credit to my name and say I did it.

Those things that we do every day that we take for granted, it is God empowering us to do those things, not because we are such powerful, intelligent creatures.  It still baffles me that a God so Holy can love me - ME!

Fri, 16-Dec-11 -- ER

12-16-11 (ER), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

My doctor and a friend of mine who is also a doctor sort of scared me earlier this week. They told me the next time I experience any physical "heart" stuff, that I need to go into the ER or Urgent Care.

About 5-6 hrs ago, I wasn't feeling quite right and just to be on the safe side, went in to the ER. 3.5 hrs later, they discharged me letting me know I had not had a heart attack, nor am I experiencing any blood clots. That's super great.

However, they did find I had a UTI (I don't recall having had any of these in more than a decade) and the early signs of pneumonia, possibly. They armed me with antibiotics to get rid of both for the next 10 days.

This leads me to once again think about the brevity of life, which I've been thinking of more often these days. We are only on this earth for a short time, and how long that is, is really up to God ultimately, even for those who contemplate suicide.

They performed all sorts of tests on me. The ER was not busy, and I was treated very well. I even went in my pajamas and bathrobe, as I didn't want to delay them catching anything.

There was a lot of time to think just lying there in the bed. What kind of unfinished business I may have. If I died, what would happen to my children? Who would take care of them, love them like I would?

Were there things left unresolved with people? Was I prepared to meet my maker?

For me, the only question I knew the answer to was the last one. If God chose to take me at any time, I was prepared to meet Jesus. But, for the rest of the questions, I wasn't prepared.

We get but this time to live out our lives, not knowing when it will end. You don't know if it will be your last hug, or your last kiss, or the last smile you will see. It's a sombering thought.

I don't have things resolved with every person. There are a few people where I don't know how to fix things.

The past few years, God has brought people to help me walk out my fears. I once heard our fears are often gerbils dressed in drag. How silly that is.

How silly to allow fears to prevent us from living a full life, the one we desire. This year, I have faced so many fears, as well as in the past few. It hasn't been easy, but I have been gaining greater freedom as I face the lies of those fears that have held me in bondage.

I'm not so afraid anymore of the fears - I won't even claim them as mine. One day, they'll all be gone and I'll have complete freedom (probably not in this life).

I still have a fear of needles. Them drawing blood and giving me an IV sure hurt like the dickens, but I took it and am now fine. They were able to use those things to help me.

It's not that we have to have the absence of fear, but courage is when you act despite fear. I do know that without Christ, I would not have the ability to truly face my fears, because I'm so easily beset by them.

Today is a new day, and though I'm exhausted with no sleep, I praise God that He gives me another day to live, to enjoy my children and the people I love and care about. God is good all the time.

Thurs, 15-Dec-11 -- Feeling Blue

12-15-11 (Feeling Blue), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

There are some areas of my life that are really super fantastic, far beyond what I could ever imagine things being in a good way. Then, there are other things where it's just been way worse than I had ever thought.

There were moments in the past couple months where I thought this was changing for me, this one particular area. But, it seems probably not or maybe I'm looking at things with too much of a magnifying glass.

Yes, I've heard the stories where people try time after time until they get it right, but when it deals with matters of the heart, it doesn't make sense and that's much different.

I allowed my heart to feel for just a moment and it turned out super painful. I don't feel like screaming, just crying. Yet, I know God hears my heartache and my plea. It's been for a long time. And, I don't know if I will see it in this lifetime or not. Not trying to be melodramatic.

If it's meant to be, it will. If it's not, then it won't. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. They have to be willing, even if it takes all their courage.

This month in my Single Moms' group, our memory verse is found in Psalm 27:14. I dont' know what translation, but I'm guessing something like King James (KJV). "Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord."

How did God know that I would need this verse and to memorize it, which I did well more than a week ago?

I'm to wait on God for His timing in all things, no matter how much I want it to happen NOW! It takes courage to make right decisions and I don't know that that courage is really me, rather Christ who lives in me.

God says He will strengthen my heart. Being an avid exerciser my whole adult life, strengthening oneself takes consistency & discipline, and often going through periods of unpleasantness. Guess that's where I am at, feeling super unpleasant with a breaking heart. I long for it to be different.

Funny that verse says to wait on God. It repeats itself and when verses or chapters of the Bible do that, the author is stressing it. Guess the author, most likely David, knew that a human being has issues with waiting. We are impatient.

I would really love for things to be different on just 2 points, but they are pretty big. If they aren't right, then it just isn't right. Just going to wait to see what God does . . . however He chooses to do things.

Wed, 14-Dec-2011 --- Broken Heart

Broken Heart, a photo by Matthew Kendig on Flickr.

I woke up early this morning thinking about someone, and I started to cry. Guess it didn't help that I've been listening to some 80s songs like . . . Babe, Boys of Summer, Desert Moon, Don't Cry, I Ain't Missing You, Love Story (not 80s), New Song, The Smile Has Left Your Eyes, Things Can Only Get Better, Time Takes Its Toll (not 80s), Whatever It Takes, and You Belong To Me.

Guess that's not a real happy play list. That, combined with the weather, my mood is pretty pathetic and sad.

Yesterday I talked to my life group leader about this person. I really thought I was alright and wouldn't be this impacted. Boy, was I wrong. Tears just flowed down my face.

Incidentally, it was pouring outside as we were in his car just talking. He's such a kind soul to be the driver and carpool with myself and 2 other women in our group.

Okay, maybe my heart is a bit more than chipped, rather just broken, fractured. Wow, coming up to Christmas in less than 2 weeks.

I wonder and ask God why? What purpose did all of this serve? Did my heart need to hurt some more? Did I not get enough pain this year? I'm not angry at God. I let myself go probably where I should not have, despite my guardedness. I didn't guard my heart well enough, so now I experience pain.

I'm still trying to figure out where I went wrong and what lesson I need to learn. Haven't figured it out. My motivation level to do stuff right now wanes.

Tues, 13-Dec-2011 --- Road Work Ahead

I read this year in my Single Mom's newsletter that if you see a red flag, there is probably a parade that follows.  This was in regards to men.  As single moms, we carry a huge responsibility to raise up our children.  As godly women, it is an even greater responsibility to train up our children in the way they should be in the sight of God amidst a world and society that does not share biblical standards.

When I became a single mom 4.5 yrs ago, it was devestating, because it didn't have to happen that way.  Or, maybe, as I reflect upon this more seriously, it was brewing in the background and this was just the opportunity and culmination of the underlying.  God ordained marriage and He desires marriages to remain in tact, however, we live in a sinful world.  Marriages often do not last, at least in the American culture.  More than half of all marriages fail for one reason or another.

As I think back to where I have been on this road of life, there were times when I could see "ROAD WORK AHEAD" and then a whole series of red flags and barracades to signal to drivers on my road of life that there was a lot of life construction ahead.  In hindsight, this was totally the case.  In fact, there were road blocks and detour signs to route you to a different route.

Love this picture as you can see as one car is speeding by and another is just approaching, perhaps more cautiously, leaving.  Sometimes I wonder if that is like some of the men in my life.  Some come at me at breakneck speeds not realizing there is a lot of road work ahead, and then other men leave my life because their time in my road of life is over.

This picture could really reflect that of any person and as I think right now of some of my relationships, I just wish things were a little more black and white, clearer for us to see so we can avoid potential disaster.  Or, maybe they were clear but my own jaded perspective didn't allow me to see clearly.

With bittersweetness I think about how God's heart must break when we fail to see through His eyes and through our own selfishness.  Maybe the rainy weather we've been having is God sharing His heart for how I feel.  I look forward to the skies clearing, the sun coming out and basking amidst the glorious blue drapery among a crisp morning.  The sun will come out again.

Mon, 12-Dec-2011 ---- Storm, Let It Rain

Today began as every other day.  Nothing unusual other than it was raining.  It's been a bit rainy the past month or so here in central Arizona, which is unusual for this time of year.  Heavy rains bring torrential flash flooding, which can be deadly.  Yet, for the arid desert, it is most welcomed.  It doesn't pour here often, but it does happen.  Today it poured during various times of the day.

These clouds don't look so bad, but half hour later, there were no semblance of the blue hue, and the sky was once again covered with the gray and dreariness of the blanket of clouds that stretched as far as the eye could see.  Storms moved in quicker and it poured as my son and I raced to the car from the dr's office, hoping to not get soaked.  We didn't get soaked, but a little wet, as we welcomed the safety of our vehicle from the downpour.

Life is sort of like the weather today.  As the clouds throughout the day moved in and out of parts of where we lived, there were moments that looked very ominous and others maybe there was a ray of sunlight, of hope that things were clearing up.  And then, comes the storm again.

I once (okay, maybe it was more than once) told my kids when they were younger that the rain sometimes is God feeling sad that people on this earth do not love Him.  Okay, that wasn't true nor was is biblical.  I did tell them that later, and I'm not sure why I ever said that to them.  Maybe I thought it was funny or a mom's warped sense of humor.

Nonetheless, to some people, the rains are welcomed.  To others, it isn't.  The rains feed crops for the farmers, but too much rain isn't good, as is not enough rain.  Rains here in the valley help refresh the air and get rid of the pollution, at least temporarily.  Rains have served in the Bible as a form of discipline or punishment at times, and other times, the lack of it has had the same effect.

Today, my own tears showered my face as I think of some most recent happenings in my life.  Yesterday it was clear and sunny, which is a condition that I absolutely love here.  We have in central AZ so many clear & sunny days.  But, my 2011 has been filled with a lot of storm clouds that look very threatening.  I thought maybe there was a ray of hope in the past couple months, but those gray clouds always lingered right nearby.

And, thus today, so appropo that our weather is how I feel. 

Why some things happen?  Maybe I'll never know.  But, I am definitely sure that no matter what, God is good and He is good all the time.  Whether in feast or famine, God's grace is sufficient to weather any storm.  I've seen it over the past 7 yrs.

Reflecting on the past 12 months of 2011, I was hoping for 1 month where there would be no pain, no suffering, no heartache.  So, I'm 12/12 months of pain, suffering, heartache.  I don't rejoice in those things, rather I rejoice in what God is doing in me, changing and molding me to be more like Him.  I can't compare the things I'm going through to what Christ did on the Cross, but the events of my life do matter to Him, because He died for them.

After 7 yrs of hell on this earth, I still trust God.  In fact, it's a deeper trust that was born out of suffering.  I'm hoping that next year, 2012, will be the Year of Jubilee for me.  If not, God is still good and He is good all the time.

Life is too precious to waste and I refuse to waste another moment.  God is changing me.  I'm not the same woman I was 7 yrs ago.  I hope that through everything, my life reflects more of the hope of Jesus Christ and that He shines so brightly in it.  There's still a long way to go, but I hope my life is a sweet aroma to Him, though, it is wrought with many mistakes along the way.

More - New Beginnings

As I look back at the past 7 yrs of my life and thinking about the things of hell on earth I have gone through, I can see and taste the goodness of my God.  Though there is no delight in the pain, suffering, heartache of the past seven years, like Job recounts, "The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Seven years ago I made a decision, actually forced into a decision that would change forever how I viewed myself.  And, thus began a very tumultuous journey wrought with incredible amounts of pain & suffering.  Yet, in light of the testimonies of other Saints before me . . . . and I do not classify myself as a saint, rather as a humble servant of the Lord NOW, what I have suffered is nothing compared to the greatness of who God is and what Christ had to endure on the Cross for me.

I've been remiss to really write much in this blog, as I only wanted to share in good things happening in my life that pertained to God.  However, that would give others a false sense that life is always hunky dory, and thus, why wouldn't I want to serve God if things are usually going my way.  That has been so far from the case.

Not sure if I will write in this every day, but I'd like to write more frequently, sharing more insights and what God is doing in my life.  And, if somewhere along the journey this inspires and draws you to Jesus, wonderful.  If not, maybe there is still something you can glean.

Thus, for me, this is sort of a new beginning to this blog as I flavor it with some of my photographs and more about God.  And, if there are other photographs from other photographers I'd like to use, I'll get their permission first.

God-Shaped Void

Everyone has a God-shaped void in their heart & soul.  Now, some people fill it with all sorts of things like money, fame, other people, idols, false gods.  We can look at the lives of everyone and this is truly the case.  In this 'Age of Enlightenment', people are searching for something they feel they are missing or lacking in their lives.  What is that?  It's a God-shaped void.

In Ecclesiastes, it talks about everything under the sun as being not satisfying as that of filling your life God.  Afterall, the author of the book, King Solomon, had everything at his disposal - riches, wealth, health, servants, a kingdom, plenty of women & children.  What could he want for in terms of people and materialistically?  Nothing.  Yet, there was a longing in his soul to connect with his Creator.  He had a God-shaped void.

The past couple months, my personal time with God has been intermittent and sparse.  This actually was the case when we finished reading through the Bible and started again to read it now chronologically.  Life began getting in the way - going to bed too late, too many commits, too much on the agenda, unplanned stressors and a bunch of other things.  God has been there all the time just wanting to connect with me, but I've been too busy.

I've put Him in my agenda twice a day, but it seems when that time comes, we are too busy, or too tired or something.  The past couple nights, however, I've gotten a greater chance to just have peaceful alone time with Him, as well as spending some of my morning connecting.  My God-shaped hole is beginning to fill again and the restless wontoning in my spirit is being quelled.

What are you filling that void with?  Anything other than God will ultimately not be satisfying, leaving you yearning for more.

Justice & Mercy

Often when I think of Justice, I see the woman who holds the balance scales.  For the past 7 yrs I have endured countless unjustices from some very bad, unthinkable things happening to small injustices.  The Bible says God is a God of justice.  When is justice needed?  It's needed when a wrong is committed.  Yet, if God reigned down his justice without any mercy, we'd all be doomed to hell for all eternity.  There is a fine balance.

As I have awaited God's justice instead of being vengeful (though I have felt like wanting to take things into my own hands), God's Word says in Hebrews 10:30 that it is for God to mete out His vengeance in His timing, not ours, I am beginning to see God dole out His justice along with mercy.  What I did not understand about His justice is that had He given it when I was angry and unforgiving, this would've had a much different impact on my life than when the anger has dissipated and forgiveness worked through and extended to the offender.

God really loves all of mankind and has given people chance after chance to make a right decision.

I found myself instead of gloating justice has been served, that there is a mixture of sadness and gladness.  Sadness for the hurts and wounds, the pain that had to go through.  Gladness in that the wrongs were not gotten away with.  Somewhere in there, there is an incredible amount of compassion, which is where the sadness comes from. 

As I'm entering a season of justice in my life for some things, there is a great deal of sadness in it that things ever had to come to this.  Maybe this is a part of God's heart, that He desires that not one person perishes, but all come to the saving grace and knowledge of His Son Jesus Christ.  But, eventually, justice has to be doled God because He is a good and Holy God who cannot stand sin.