Mon, 30-Jan-2012 -- The Journey

Walking on the sun, a photo by RMontoro on Flickr.

Today I woke up excited that I was embarking on a journey to get to a place I've not been to. Maybe this would be the time, after searching what seems like endlessly for what I've been striving for.

A part of my spirit is competitive, but sheepishly, I don't always deal with failure gracefully. Today, in a different area of my life, I had some great failures that sent me in a course that I'm still not off right now, which I need to get off that course. It has me questioning things in a way that isn't good.

Once again, I'm figuratively humbled and realize I am weak, and that I can't do ANY of this life without Christ. I am utterly depraved. I didn't wake up feeling like this, rather hopeful.

Yet, this evening, my heart is aching and my spirit is still frustrated and angry. Sitting here catching up on my "Experiencing God" study, and so far behind, the Bible verses leap off the pages and convict my heart, but it's not with condemnation.

It's refocusing me on God, not my circumstances. I was far from godly in anything for the past 5+ hrs. I allowed my temper and past failures sink me into a pit of anger & despair.

It feels like I'm in the desert, but there is a mirage. Probably more than ever in my life, I am more focused on God and walking in faith. He has me on a super short leash. Stuff is happening, changing quickly.

No longer do I want to take years to go through things. Repentence is one of the keys. I so need God in EVERY aspect, EVERY thought, EVERY emotion, EVERY action, EVERYTHING!

Sanctus Real has a song called "Redeemer" that really depicts some of what I feel.  Why Sanctus Real wrote this touches me and gets me off my own circumstances:

Sat, 28-Jan-2012 -- Helping Hands

Helping hand, a photo by treeffe2000 on Flickr.

I really love community so much, and I mean true community. Buildings don't make a community, rather it's the bonds of relationships, compassion, love, and care combined with actions that form community.

Today I got to see great community. It wasn't my plan today to help anyone with moving, as there were other things scheduled. Those things fell through, but during the week, God impressed upon me the need to be more connected and be in community.

Community doesn't always mean that it's convenient. In community, everyone takes up a little bit of the burdens, so that no one is overloaded. I truly love how many people in our church are in community.

It's not to say that everyone is like that, but for those that do, there is a huge benefit. People coming together for one common purpose. It may get a bit dirty and ugly, but so what?

I know there have been countless people over these past 5 yrs who instead of standing by the sidelines, chose to lend a helping hand to us. That meant more to us than those who just thought about it and never did anything.

It convicts me in a deeper way to reach out even more and love on people right where they are at, which is not always convenient with my schedule. There is a balance and one could get all nutso about this, but if God impresses upon your heart to reach out and help or minister to someone, do it.

You'll definitely bless them as well as receive a blessing yourself. God is so very good.

And, I'm just so impressed with just the people that showed up to do 2 of the moves while I was there helping. People showing love by lending a helping hand. God bless you.

Wed, 25-Jan-2012 -- Falling In Love

Falling In Love, a photo by {peace&love♥} on Flickr.

I thought this picture was so awesome and I was thinking of the topic of "Falling in Love" last night, to fall ridiculously in consuming love.

Hope my friend doesn't me borrowing this from something he wrote me:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than FALLING IN LOVE IN QUITE AN ABSOLUTE, FINAL WAY.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will effect everything.

It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.

~ Father Pedro Arrupe, SJ (A former head of the Jesuits)

Throughout these past near 5 yrs since my husband chose to leave our marriage and family to make other choices in his life, we've gone through so much hell on this earth. But, one thing I am certain beyond anything is that God is FOR us, and that God's love is so much more incredible than I ever knew before. 

Those who follow me know that I am big into gratitudes and that is a main staple of my walk with God, where I so feel His presence going with me everywhere. I enter daily throughout the day into the courts of the Lord with praise & thanksgiving.

Often I hear his gentle whispers that He loves me, through the beauty of a sunset on a quiet evening, or through the air bursting forth with the laughter of children, particularly my own. Or, sometimes I feel the warm embrace of a friend, so comforting and soothing.

Other times, it will be someone sharing their testimony as to what God has done for them. Maybe it's just driving into that parking lot just as a car pulls out from a prime spot under a tree on a hot summer day that is close to the place I need to go.

And, there will be times an encouraging card comes in the mail with a really nice gift card, or thoughtful, sincere words for a friend, a gesture of thoughtfulness of someone thinking of us when they are getting rid of really nice stuff.

Maybe it's driving down the road and noticing some homes have gorgeous, brilliant flowers that dot their landscape - the fact I can see the rich colors and enjoy them. Or, maybe it's the photographers on Flickr that share their amazing work, and that the God of this Universe can create so many lovely colors and have so many talented people with whom I can enjoy their work.  He is My Artist & Creator.

Then, I think of when I bite into an heirloom cherry tomato and enjoy the delicious, crisp flavor. Maybe I get to walk down the road to greet my neighbor, and that I can walk unassisted and carefreely.  He is My Provider.

Maybe it's waking up groggily in my comfortable bed covered with a down comforter, looking over seeing a pile of WebKinz my son has left there so I would not be alone. Or, maybe it's hearing my daughter sin a praise & worship song, and laughing at me as I mix up the words.  He is My Music.

There are other times like when I'm petrified to go further, crying, on my knees not knowing if I can go any longer, and I see His arms (figuratively) reach towards me to pick me up, and say, "I'll carry you right now.  Don't worry."  He's had to do this so many times these past 5 yrs.  Then, there are those times I'm angry, hurting, and He just holds me and I sob into Him profusely until there are no more tears.  I look into His face and He whispers to me that it'll be alright, letting Him hold me, as I rest in Him.  He is my Protector & Healer.

My God loves me, loves my children so very much. I feel incredibly loved, and that despite circumstances, so richly and generously loved. Sometimes God shouts to me His glory, other times He whispers loving words and thoughts. Sometimes we dance through the day, as if in a beautiful ballet, or sometimes a crazy, fun Latin dance.

To be safey in love with my Lord . . . what a way of life.

Sometimes

I love Skillet and it's no secret.  Sometimes there is this dark side to me and it helps to have a Christian group that just has that edgy sound as I sometimes feel, that harshness.  Sometimes people think that I'm all happy go lucky, but those closest to me see that isn't the case.  I do have those down, depressing times more than I'd like to admit.  However, due to "The Compound Effect" of certain things I am disciplined in doing, this keeps me on the more positive side, praising and thanking God.

Some of those things are regular time in God's Word, doing worship with my kids in Gratitudes & Blessings, and Prayer.  Daily doing these things has really helped transform the lives of my kids and I, and where there are many times we could've sunk deep into the pit of despair and depression and just hanging on a thread, God does something supernatural.

This is another Skillet video called "Sometimes".  It is a bit depressing, but there was someone recently in my life that this song is so for him.  But, the fact is, I was at this point in my life many times, so not pointing fingers.  I'm really glad Skillet is willing to address the darker side of things.

But, the hope always in Jesus Christ.  It may not look like what you expect.  Come as you are.  Jesus accepts you completely where you are.  It doesn't matter what you've done.  He loves you.

Drop me a line on how I can pray for you.  I'd love to hear from you.

Tues, 24-Jan-2012 -- Transparency

transparent , a photo by I Woke Up Today on Flickr.

I come from a pretty private family, and for a very long time, I was overall a private person. Sure, I'd share aspects of my life and seemed like a super social person. But, the truth was, I didn't think that if anyone knew the real me, the one on the inside that no one knew, no one would like me, including myself.

I go to an absolutely amazing church. If you have these paradigms about church being a boring and stiff place, you've never been to my church. Or, if you think church is filled with a bunch of perfect people who sit around gossiping and judging you all day long. You haven't been to my church.

If you live in the Phoenix metropolitan area (particularly the East Valley), just click on the "TVC" link in the upper portion of this blog for more information on trying my church out. No need to dress up. Crawl out of bed and come, even if you're stinkin' drunk. We don't care. We'll love on you.

The past 5 yrs as I've gotten more integrated into life groups, which is the heartbeat of our church. They are small groups that meet during the week in people's homes. Some are Bible studies, but it is more a time to be transparent, get to know other people, fellowship, eat, pray for each other. You've just gotta come and be a part of it to know what I'm talking about.

All those years I held everything so close to my heart, it was not just hurting me, but I was causing pain and hurt to other people because I didn't know how to deal with my crap, or that even some of it was pure crap to the nth degree.

There is this lie that if you're known, that no one will like you, or that you are beyond lovable. It's a complete lie of the enemy to get you to stay isolated and alone. This does not mean that you can share everything with everyone, as that's not wise, either.

However, there is this thing about being able to have others help you bear your burdens, to pray for you, to help you work things through or to walk with you, sometimes even carry you. No man is an island.

We may like to think we are all self-sufficient, but none of us are. Everyone has the desire to be loved and accepted by others. Some do this by pushing people away, by needing no one. That's so lonely and sad. We say we don't need anyone.

Then, sometimes just having people love you - that's scary. We are all broken people to some degree.

Let other people love on you, to accept you. You are not alone. You are safe with us. Come and see what we are about at the Tempe Vineyard.

It's taken me a long time to learn to be transparent. It is very freeing to not have to bottle all this stuff in. It is good to be loved, and I feel so incredibly loved.

Mon, 23-Jan-2012 -- The Leidenfrost Effect

The Leidenfrost Effect, a photo by geetarooman on Flickr.

I love science and I find the Leindenfrost Effect quite interesting how it occurs. You can see this happen when the pan is hot enough and you drop some water into it and the drops just skitter across without evaporating quickly due to where the temperature of the pan is at or above the Leidenfrost temperature.

Today is the beginning of the new year for billions of Chinese around the world. It is the Year of the Dragon. It's supposed to be a good year, but I'm not superstitious nor do I subscribe to superstition.

So, how does Chinese New Year's, the Leidenfrost Effect and this spiritual God blog all correlate in this Chinese woman's mind? I've been thinking a lot about life and death, about man's search for significance, and does what we do really matter.

Logic would dictate that if water hits a hot pan, it should quickly evaporate, but when it doesn't, that's pretty odd. Just as when gold is refined, and a person is refined spiritually. How does turning up the heat help them to get better, to become a purer entity?

The question Solomon asked so very long ago, my paraphrase is, does it matter? That's the book of Ecclesiastes in a nutshell -- DOES IT MATTER?

If you died today, would it really matter to anyone? Did you make enough of an impact that anyone really cared if you were gone? Was your life worth it? Do you even care?

Or, were you so self-absorbed in all your own "stuff", being comfortable with you, that you didn't pour into anyone? What if you disappeared? Would it matter?

I think everyone has a God-shaped void in their lives that only the one and true God can fill. However, many of us attempt to fill it with all sorts of things - work, pleasures, money, travel, people, doing stuff, self-improvement, various religions & gods, and the list goes on. Only the ONE TRUE ONE can fill this need in your life.

I had someone recently want me to care and love for them so much. It was really important. Why? If I didn't give my love, what would happen? When I did, what would happen? A God-shaped void that only He can fill, not me.

We have this effect when the sh** hits the fan, or maybe there isn't any pressing thing but there is an unrest in our souls that just nags at us. We try to soothe it with all sorts of things, but nothing except God can fill this.

Maybe as the breath of the dragon attempts to ignite us, maybe we've grown so cold and stale, that it's easier to not feel, to not want, to make excuses. Maybe it's easier to not matter to anyone, because that requires action.

I just want to encourage those who don't think they matter, you do matter. There is one who cares -- Jesus Christ. And, if there is no one else, He cares for YOU!

Don't be fooled. Make your life count for something. Sometimes we don't get a pouring out into our lives because we've never poured into anyone else. Start today to make your life count with at least one person other than yourself. Invite Christ into your life to give you the strength to live a life that counts for something.

God bless you! I'd love to hear how you matter to other people.

Healing

I would have to admit that I see where I am in my life and being a person that is continually seeking to improve, to be better, to be healed, to grow & mature as a person, that somehow I assume and want that for others. The fact is, not everyone wants that for their lives or if they do, do they want it at the rate I want it, or in the method I do. Just because someone may see it differently for themselves, does not mean that is either right or wrong, it's just not me.

Tonight as I took ministry training at church, it was reiterated to not manipulate or cause damage to someone in their healing process, in how God wants to work in their lives.  It totally struck me as I wanted so desperately to get past my own issues, that I wanted that for others.  One person came to mind in particular, and I feel bad for how I pushed that person to heal quickly, to do it in my own timing, rather than just letting God deal with the person.

Anyway, today was Class 1/5 of ministry training and it was really good.  I can be a person that really aggressively wants good for people's lives and make things go too fast, push too hard, and just really not realize it.  Good intentions. 

Maybe some people really don't want to heal, and I need to be okay with that.  Because when you get healed of crap in your life, things change.  Expectations changes.  Lots of things change.  Maybe some people don't want that change for whatever reasons.  It's not my place to tell someone they need to change.  It's up to them.  Timing.

I'm sure there were times others were frustrated with me because I just wasn't getting it, but through the course of time, circumstances, God changing me, I eventually was ready to change and did.  God does the real changing, but only when I am ready to surrender to God to allow Him to change me.

In the meantime, I'm called to love people just where they are at and let Jesus flow through me and do the stuff Jesus did.  I have so much learn.  Anyway, I can't heal myself or anyone.  Only Jesus can heal.  I'd like to share this song by Sheri Carr called "This Heart of Mine".  I hope the song blesses you as it's blessed me.  It's from her "Fearless Now" album.

Sun, 22-Jan-2012 -- Freedom

Freedom, a photo by Pardesi* on Flickr.

"Freedom is not the absence of bars, rather it is the presence of Christ." Sheila Walsh

She goes on to say that freedom isn't circumstantial, but true freedom comes from the inside when the Son of Christ sets you free, you are free indeed.

Freedom doesn't come when this or that happens, it comes from Jesus Christ. I've been learning a lot about freedom in a somewhat painful way, through relationships with people, one in particular.

I found that I was in prison with certain beliefs and mindsets that kept me in bondage. I had become accustomed to feeling and thinking that way, that I knew no difference, that I was even enslaved.

God is so patient. He used the Holy Spirit and certain recent relationships to reveal just how faulty my thinking was. Humbling. But, along with gaining freedom, though Jesus Christ is already my personal Savior, I wasn't living in total freedom, there was a cost for it.

I'm learning some of the cost for me gaining freedom is some people will not come along with me because they remained enslaved to wrong thinking that they cannot or think they cannot get out of. In it of themselves, they can't. But, Christ and total surrender to Christ will bring freedom.

I realize that as I change, some people will become a greater part of my life, some people depart, new people come in. It shows me that I am growing as a person.

Are the people that are showing up in your life steeped in all sorts of bondage & turmoil, a prisoner of their thoughts, feelings and circumstances? Maybe you should look no further at yourself in what God is attempting to show you about yourself.

Observe your life to see what is showing up. It's very curious and interesting.

Sat, 21-Jan-2012 -- Chaos & Clarity

Eyeglass, a photo by tonktn28 on Flickr.

Today has been a jam packed day filled with lots to do, and well more than I could handle. As the Chinese New Year approaches in a couple days, I think about and begin acting upon what I know and what is right to do.

Though I was born & raised in the U.S., the core of me is still Chinese. And, just like billions of Chinese this weekend have been preparing for the new year through cleaning, so have my kids and I.

Sometimes we don't even see the chaos or turmoil we are in until we begin to look more closely. I heard someone say today that sometimes God will allow chaos into our lives to bring clarity. Honestly, I don't even know if that was a biblical statement or not.

I didn't realize how messy something things had gotten physically in our home until we began cleaning. The more we cleaned, the worse things looked.

I've been doing similarly with relationships in my life and my finances. Sometimes before things can really look better, they actually get worse for a period of time. Then, there is that point where things are trending in the right direction.

In the Wizard of Oz, when the tornado came at Dorothy's house, what was the first thing that went? It was the white picket fence. Chaos just erupted. Eventually, out of that chaos came clarity, but it wasn't without its pain & heartache.

Now is the time to get rid of the fantasies and to live God's dream for my life. Just walking this out one day at a time. Thank you for letting me share my life with you.

Fri, 20-Jan-2012 -- Courage

Courage, a photo by Deep-Fried Goodness on Flickr.

Today as I look back at my past, I think of so many people who have been courageous and have role-modeled this to me. Some have long since passed away, while others still living.

In Joshua 1:9, it says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." The Israelites in this time were going to be entering a foreign land that God promised to them that is flowing with milk and honey.

Although the land was bountiful, it was a dangerous land and they had to conquer, to fight for the land. It was dangerous. But, God said that He would be with them throughout all of that.

As I think of my own life, God does not desire for my kids and I to live in spiritual poverty, to be fearful and timid. He has lands for us to conquer and He will help us conquer those lands. It doesn't mean there aren't giants in the land, because surely there are.

What does that translate into? What are the things that hold you back from living the life you can and ought?

It's taken a lot of courage to stop being a private, hidden person, the one I was in my 20s and 30s. In my 40s, I'm learning to let go and face the demons I have allowed into my life whether it is through the generations I was born into, or that unknowingly allowed into my life.

As I've faced the havoc these demons and their workings have marred in my life, I am reminded of who I am. I am the Lord Jesus Christ's and I can tread over serpents, take my authority in Jesus Christ (so as long as I confess & repent of wrongdoing so there is nothing that would give the devil an opening) over the demonic.

It's easy to run from our problems and just say we are too messed up. The Truth is, nothing is beyond Jesus to fix in our lives. It's easier to live in indifference and apathy, saying we don't really care or even allowing other people to love us, then to make a choice to love or care, because those things require real action, not just words.

It takes courage to step into the Promised Land and take it, then to sit back and gripe, complain, make excuses why you're so f***ed up. I realize that most people don't have the guts to be courageous, but there are those who would venture and say that those demons must be conquered at all costs.  They keep pressing through when it would be so much easier to give up when things don't go your way.

I'm glad God has given me 2 children to whom I can influence, but He's given more so much more than that as I teach little 3-4 yr olds. Some of them now are nearing teenagers and I know that I've gotten the privilege to role-model courage to them. I hope it makes a difference in their lives.

Cowards are a dime a dozen. They take and never pour back.  They run from their problems and take no action. They make excuses and are just talk. Heroes may be afraid, but they continue to take action despite their fear, tiredness and discouragement.  They give back and are living sacrifices.  Their lives count for something.

I would love to hear your hero stories and to be inspired by your courageousness. God bless you!

Wed, 18-Jan-2012 - Who Am I?

Do you know who you are?  I mean, really.  Do you know who you are?  What is your identity wrapped in?  Is it your job and work?  Is it who others say you are?  Is it what you do?  Your personality?  What you haven't done?  Who are you?

In this song, Jason Gray talks about God reminding us who He calls us, but showing that we often don't call us who He calls us.

What do you call yourself?

I know for a long time, though intellectually I knew who God said I was, I lived out the belief that was the complete opposite.  We always live out what we believe.  What do you believe?  Do you believe who God says you are?  If we do, then let's see if our lives confirm this.  If not, there is room for each of us to step aside to allow God to show us who He says we are. 

Yes, I constantly need reminders.

Sat, 14-Jan-2012 -- Hero

Skillet is probably one of my top 10 favorite groups.  There is something angry, depressing about them that I love as there is a part of me that is that way. Yet, that is a small part of me and the greater part of me is hopeful, optimistic, loving.  But, lately, a number of Skillet's songs have been dotting my days and this one in particular has been coming up:

This is "Hero".  The lyrics - I need a hero to save me.  Often as humans, we want someone to save us from all our miseries, or maybe that event will occur and something will magically happen to reverse everything around.  And, on the rare occasion, something like that does happen.  Probably the most noticable one that we can all see is someone winning the lottery.  Perhaps it's a person that is broke and wins mega millions and is instantly thrust into riches.  But, usually, less than a decade later, the person is even broker than before winning the lottery.

Did their "hero", the lottery really benefit their lives in the long run?  No.  They weren't ready to have money yet and when they came into it, they could not steward the money well as they did not have the character that could help them use it well.

FEAR

The past few years, though I have known Jesus as my personal Savior for over 35 yrs (wow, that makes me sound old), it's not until all my super hardships hit and I totally had to lean on God, because my Plan B, C, Z all failed.  I realized that I had placed my focus on the wrong places and people, that Jesus was really my hero.

When we lean on the right things to help us through life, I think God can also create people who can be great role-models or "heroes".  I think about my parents and what they had to go through growing up, or raising 5 children (especially me, because I greatly challenged them and probably made them rethink being a parent), or the many things they endured.  They are my first heroes.  My siblings are also my heroes, because I know that them being my siblings and me their sister hasn't been easy either.  I tend to challenge those I'm closest to.

HURT

But, I see many people that have risen above the great challenges they've faced to overcome beliefs they've been living out that were not healthy or good, to smash those wrong beliefs, to create new beliefs in which they stepped into.  I've been doing that a lot in the past couple years very aggressively.  My family, church, and friends have come along side of me to help me when I would fall down and can't get back up.

SHAME

Other times, it's just God and I and asking Him to give me the courage to face the ugly things I've believed, those lies, and to smash them.  What I've learned when you challenge your belief system, you will come under great opposition the harder that belief system is engrained into you.  But, every time you get knocked down as you challenge wrong beliefs, and get back up to take action against that wrong belief, it chips away at that wrong belief a little at a time.  Eventually, that wrong belief is whittled away to nothing and you've replaced it with a correct belief system.

RESOLVE

As we are at the beginning of a new year and New Year's resolutions are at the peak of the year, one of the big challenges that many people face is to lose weight.  Those who succeed will be the ones that continue chipping away at wrong actions that led them to where they are by making healthier choices until they no longer make those choices.  With some, they may need to spend years to do this, others not too long.  But, whatever it is, it's to not give up and to keep on keeping on until you have a correct belief system in place.

COURAGE

How do you know if you have a correct, healthy belief system?  The actions you take, how you live your life will reflect your belief system.  We always live out what we believe.

What do you believe?  What does your life say you believe?  Are you making hero choices?

HERO

It's not that heroes aren't afraid, rather they choose to continue to act inspite of opposition and difficulty.  Are you a hero?  Share your hero stories with me.  I'd love to hear them.  Let's inspire each other.

Don't give up!  You are not alone.

Thurs, 12-Jan-2012 -- Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow #15, a photo by jgirl4858 on Flickr.

There is a lot of fanfare, as well as controversy over Tim Tebow. Admittedly, I'm not a football fan, though, I know many football fans. I don't know a whole lot about Tebow other than the stuff that has been circulating the internet. I've never personally watched him play and I'm sure it's incredible.

What I wanted to just briefly talk about are some articles I read on athiests commenting on Tebow giving credit to God. I think it's awesome that He gives credit to God. So many people are so narcissistic that they think every single thing is due to themselves or their own skill or whatever, but often it isn't.

That car narrowly missing hitting your car wasn't because you were such a skilled driver. What about you getting the job not because of your skill, rather you caught the people at the right time? There are many things that happen to us is not because we deserve or made it happened, rather some other thing caused it or didn't cause it.

If Tebow gave credit to his mom or dad for his playing, would people be bashing him? Seriously! Of course not. He gives credit to God and that opens him up for bashing.

My beliefs are that ultimately everything I have comes from God. Yes, God uses people to help them to help me. Is that so bad? I've helped other people and I do think God prompted me to help others.

Yes, Tebow has to go out to work, to be disiplined, to take risks. Yes, he has to physically do those things, to build his body. But, ultimately, if you trace everything back, it goes back to God and Tebow is just being thankful and acknowledging God.

Are we so selfish and self-absorbed that people criticize others for being grateful? My gosh. How awful is that?

If you're going to be an ungrateful jerk, keep your nasty comments to yourself so you don't sour the whole bunch. The guy is a good guy, a good role model, and inspirational. Is he perfect? Heck no, but neither are any of us.

Of course he's inspirational, far more than the complainers and whiners against him. Maybe that's why those people aren't inspirational. Let Tebow be grateful and pray. It's his right, just like it's your right to not pray or be narcissistic and nasty.

And, yes, God does care about football, or the fact that a mommy in central AZ wants to see & be involved in her children's lives, or for a daddy to throw a football with his son, or the milk you've spilled you're crying over. Yes, God does care for all those things, including the starving children in Africa. God does care.

The problem is, you want to dictate how God cares and if He doesn't care in the manner you deem good, you've written him off. God is God and He can do anything. He allows a nasty person like the people making comments to exist just as He allows a Tebow to exist. Fair? It's life. Life is not fair, and unfair things DO happen. I've had my share of unfair things. That's life.

Eventually we all get over it and move on. Let the guy pray and be grateful and leave him alone.

Wed, 11-Jan-2012 -- Winter

Point Betsie, a photo by forestlady on Flickr.

As a native Arizonian, I've been used to scorching summers where you could easily fry an egg on the sidewalk (don't forget to add the oil), but I would have to say that I've never experienced a winter as cold as this picture looks.

Honestly, I cannot imagine that anyone would have to shovel snow, but many people around the world do so each winter. The work that is sometimes involved - blizzards, snow plows, shoveling snow, wearing boots and much warmer clothes, making sure you have enough heat, snow warnings. That's a lot of stuff.

As I sit here today in flip flops, a pair of capris and a light long-sleeved shirt with the fan on, it's hard for me to imagine trudging up a snowy bank.

Snowy winters make me think of a spiritual winter. Granted, not all wintery conditoins are awful. Some, I'm sure, are quite pleasant. Some have navigated the snow to become expert snow athletes.

It seems the past 7 years, I've been in a spiritual winter. My tree has been weathered and stripped of all its leaves. It's been really cold. Yes, there are moments of light, feathery snow that makes things look picturesque, but often, it's been harsh and dreary, making me anxious for Spring to come.

Who doesn't like Spring? When things are in bloom, green, birds are chirping, animals are out, water flows. But, for winter, the water freezes over, the skies often look gloomy, stark trees. It's as if there is no life left.

The reality is, underneath everything, there is life. It's just dormant and things are working. Things are not dead, they just appear dead.

It's been a long winter with me, but I can see the beauty of the winter of my life. It gives God time to work, get rid of the junk, and start anew as I've been freshly pruned for Spring.

Looking forward to my spiritual Spring. What about you? What season of your life are you in spiritually?

Tues, 10-Jan-2012 -- Writing

Writing, a photo by jjpacres on Flickr.

I'm discovering a lot about writing. It's been awhile since I did business writing and it's completely different than writing for a personal blog, a journal, a forum. For me, writing has been something I do for pleasure, or to express my thoughts and feelings about something.

However, business writing is not about pleasure and depending who you are writing for, you need to cater to the business needs. I've been forcing myself the past few days to write what does not come natural now, but hoping that at some point in time that it does become natural.

As I think about my daily walk with God, unless it's something I do daily, it doesn't become too natural, like a habit. It's something you must consciously do, sometimes even forcing yourself to do things like spend time in God's Word (the Bible), praying, time of worship to God.

It does not come naturally for people to pray outside of crises. For me, worship is to come before God in gratitude. That is something that has become a habit for my kids and I that we do daily. We are working on the daily Bible reading. Prayer is something we have done since they were infants.

However, the big thing that is not natural for my kids and I is worshiping God in song. We don't do it that often and it's something I feel we need to do as a part of worship. There is something about music that lifts the heart and I believe it lifts our hearts to touch God's, sorta like the "Finger of God" painting.

Thurs, 5-Jan-2012 -- Would It Matter

This morning I feel a mixture of intense sadness and joy.  Joy that I get to live another day and share it with some of the people that I love, that I get to take another breath freely.  Sadness as last night a local media personality died along with his wife.  It is suspected that it was a murder-suicide.  Bill Heywood has been around a very long time.

This song is by Skillet, one of my favorite groups (I have quite a few of them), called "Would It Matter".  Some of the lyrics say "If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care?  If my time was up, I would like to know, you were happy I was.  If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anyone lose sleep?"  The lyrics are a bit depressing, and as I think about Skillet's songs, though I love the actual music, a lot of their lyrics are pretty somber and hard.

Bill is the second media person in the past 3 months I've learned that has been involved in a suicide that was successful.  And, there have been a number of other people that I've read, or seen their pictures, or heard of that has committed suicide.  Each of these people are making a choice to end their lives because they saw no hope, no way out.

I don't know any of these people personally, but my heart weeps for them, tears flow from my face as I mourn their choice, a choice they can never take back. 

Did you know that there is always someone, at least one person that loves you?  That's Jesus.  With Him, even if things are so incredibly dim, there is hope.  Did you know my Jesus.  Did you know there is hope?  I guess you didn't because you chose the wrong way out.  It wasn't your time.

Today as I stopped at Staples to pick up a few office supplies, I vaguely remember the blonde cashier.  She asked me if it was okay to give me all 5's back as change.  I don't remember what she looked like.  She was just a person that momentarily dotted my life.  Bill Heywood was just a voice on the radio, but today I shed tears for him and his wife.

That girl at Staples, I wonder if she knows that she's loved?  I wonder the faces in the cars that zoom past me on the freeway, have they lost their hope? 

Tomorrow the sun will come up again.  Another day.  How do we view it?  Do you still have hope no matter how bad things are?  Will you make a choice that can never be changed?  Know that you are loved, that Jesus loves you and that He cares.

Let me know how I can pray for you.

Wed, 4-Jan-2012 -- No Freedom

Eye Penelope Cruz, a photo by AγsЋα Aяαβέϊſſσ on Flickr.

I want to thank God for showing me some things in the past few hours that really opened my eyes to some things in my life. For the past 2-3 yrs, I've really been challenged with my financial situation, that it's really puzzled me a great deal as to how I've reacted and responded.

It doesn't make sense to me, being a rational person, but it probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people either that know my situation.

This evening, as I looked at people, things, events that have come into my life over the past 6 months, there have been many questions that have hovered over me. Some, I've been unwilling to ask until tonight.

Maybe the reason why I chose never to ask those questions is because I didn't want to know the answer, but as time continues to march forward, I can no longer remain where I am financially and need to be making better and more aggressive progress than what I am.

There have been many fears that have beset me, but none of those fears are from God. The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

My biggest fear financially is to not have the time to raise my children in the manner that freedom with one's time allows. I have taken my role very seriously as a parent in raising my son and daughter in God's ways, but also to teach them to be responsible, incredible people.

My daughter has 6 more years left of school before she goes to college, and my son, 9 yrs. The time goes by very quickly. Those years when I worked outside of the home while they were younger tore my heart apart, as I wanted to be home with them raising them myself, not someone else.

I've enjoyed the privilege of the past 5 yrs to do this, and I don't know if I'll be able to figure out how to make money and enough of it and still be able to stay home with them. But, for now, I need to do what I need to do financially to get us from where we are to where we need to be.

Maybe I need to ask different questions and let God go to work, just trusting in Him, while also just stepping out in faith to just do what I need to do jobwise - to be okay even if the answer is not what I want it to be.

Maybe somewhere in relinquishing freedom with my time, maybe I gain something much better in the interim that God needs to do in my life or maybe in the lives of other people. God would not call me to do something He will not equip me to do.

This evening I cried as I used some tools God has given me over the past decade to release the emotions that keep me bound in a bad place financially. I'm just surrendering all of this to Him.

Perhaps for those reading, this is a no-brainer, but for me, it wasn't logic that dictated what I did, rather my emotions. I'm going to ask God to reveal more to me, and to help get rid of all the fears that keep me from making good choices in this area that please Him.

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It's one of my life verses.

And, Deuteronomy 8:18 says, "It is God who empowers me to be able to create wealth." But, to be able to create wealth, one must take action. Here goes.

Tues, 3-Jan-2012 - Truth & Freedom

In John 8:32, it says, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”   There is freedom in truth.  Facing the truth isn't easy, but lies weigh on people.  They are yokes that shackle us.  Maybe initially they seem to give freedom, but it is a deceptive illusion.  A few light weights are put on that yoke, and with more lies, more weights get heaped on.  Next thing you know, the burdens are so intensely great, that it buries us.

It takes courage to live in truth.  For most of my life, I lived under the deception that I didn't have to be true to myself, that I could rationalize a certain way of life.  It never brought freedom, but the chains that bind grew tighter and tighter, digging into my flesh, tearing at it, draining the very life blood from me.

There are things and people that I love, and I have learned letting go and not hanging onto some things or people are what is best.  Give people freedom to grow, to be their best, to live their truth, even if it's not how we envision things.  It takes courage, humility and confidence that God's ways are always best, not mine. 

As the Truth sets people Free, true love is truth and it sets people free.  The love that Jesus Christ has for all mankind is true love.  THAT love sets us free from an eternity that is damned, if we so choose. 

Freedom in relationships allows each person to live true to themselves.  As I raise my children, I am learning this.  As I go through all sorts of different relationships with people, I've learned to hold what I can, but when it's time to let go or to change how I hold, then I do.  God is good all the time.  It's all a part of the learning process and to give people freedom to be their best is what is best and what is true.  Not always easy, but I'm all about freedom.

Sometimes that freedom is walking hand-in-hand.  Sometimes it's not.
Do you choose freedom today?

Mon, 2-Jan-2012 -- Tears

Tear!, a photo by ::: *TearS* ::: on Flickr.

This evening I cried for a friend, for her sadness and grief, as I also prayed for her and joined with her in her questions and heartache. Why does God allow suffering? What happens when we pray for good things and they don't happen? What are we to do when bad things upon bad things keep on happening?

I definitely don't have all the answers, or maybe even any answers, rather all I can share are my experiences and what God has done in my life, and how He has changed me through my own heartaches, suffering, and hardships.

There are countless bad things that have happened to me over the past 7 yrs and it seemed that at every turn, more bad things were happening. I remember so clearly asking God to restore my marriage. Afterall, God ordains marriage, right? How can asking for that be wrong? It didn't happen. God gives free will and though it was something I wanted, my husband did not want to be married to me. God wasn't going to force his hand at it. My marriage ended.

My home gone. My retirement gone. My savings gone. My dogs that I had since puppies who were old gone. My vehicles (most) gone. My career gone. My identity gone.

I cried and I cried. It seemed like the tears would never end. I kept crying and couldn't stop. People prayed. I cried so much I would've thought all that water that I had lost would've helped me to be thinner. I cried some more.

I begged God and asked Him why? But, amidst all my tears, every day I learned to humbly come before God and just thank Him for stuff in my life. Every day through this journey over the past 5+ yrs, I have entered into the courts of the Lord to praise Him amidst the steady stream of tears flowing from my face.

My God is not a cruel, heartless God that desires to see me suffer and scoffs at that. But, through my tears, they soften the clay and allows God to mold me more into the image of His Son Jesus Christ.

Do you see His face in me? None of our tears are wasted. God is good ALL the time. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, my children and I are loved beyond measure.

He loves you, too. Do you know my Jesus?