Me

I've been at many crossroads over the past 5 yrs, particularly the last 3. The one thing all these crossroads have is that it keeps leading me to a place of dependence, reliance on the Lord and not on my own strength.

In fact, it's not MY faith, rather faith comes from God. As I've seen lately and looking back through my near 35 yrs as a Christian, which is most of my life, it's recognizing that ME cannot do any of it. I'm not a good parent, a good Christian, a good friend or anything without God. Even with God in my life, a Christian due to her human nature, still attempts to make it on her own, to stand on her on two feet.

When, the realization that even the mere fact of standing on one's feet physically is a miracle from God. Without comparing to others, especially in the area of tragedies, just seeing some of the stunts of my past, being able to walk, to stand, to run are all miracles from God.

John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." This verse has been read countlessly by myself, as well as people from all times after the Bible was written. However, how often do we really think it's all about us, and our own self-sufficiency. How many of us wish we just didn't need others as much as we think?

The thought of relying on a God that I cannot physically touch or see sometimes seems surreal to me. Other times, though my eyes cannot behold Him, His presence is so real. I can't do ANY of my life, even what seemingly seems so simple, with YOU!

Apart from God, I cannot do anything.

I don't know how my life is going to pan out in any respect. Correct choices can be made, but God doesn't guarantee a cushy life, which mine has not been. It seems like it's one challenge after another. My Heavenly Father has His reasons. The thing is, my mind is riddled with questions, doubts, fears, anger, frustrations. He is a big God and I'm sure He can handle all these feelings that are inside of me that are crying out desperately to Him.

To blindly trust, to ask no questions but to trust, follow, obey seems unfathomable to me. I think God says it's okay to ask Him, to use my mind. In the end, though, He does want me to obey.

As I go through my own challenges with my children, perhaps God is doing similar to me but from a scale of perfection, His perfection. It's not about me, but about Him. Yet, He cares for me.