A part of my spirit is competitive, but sheepishly, I don't always deal with failure gracefully. Today, in a different area of my life, I had some great failures that sent me in a course that I'm still not off right now, which I need to get off that course. It has me questioning things in a way that isn't good.
Once again, I'm figuratively humbled and realize I am weak, and that I can't do ANY of this life without Christ. I am utterly depraved. I didn't wake up feeling like this, rather hopeful.
Yet, this evening, my heart is aching and my spirit is still frustrated and angry. Sitting here catching up on my "Experiencing God" study, and so far behind, the Bible verses leap off the pages and convict my heart, but it's not with condemnation.
It's refocusing me on God, not my circumstances. I was far from godly in anything for the past 5+ hrs. I allowed my temper and past failures sink me into a pit of anger & despair.
It feels like I'm in the desert, but there is a mirage. Probably more than ever in my life, I am more focused on God and walking in faith. He has me on a super short leash. Stuff is happening, changing quickly.
No longer do I want to take years to go through things. Repentence is one of the keys. I so need God in EVERY aspect, EVERY thought, EVERY emotion, EVERY action, EVERYTHING!
Sanctus Real has a song called "Redeemer" that really depicts some of what I feel. Why Sanctus Real wrote this touches me and gets me off my own circumstances:
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