Failure

I love the song by 1000 Generations called "Fail Us Not" and the words are really wonderful.  The song talks about how none of our failures shock God, and that God is above all our failures, our problems, the things that terrifies us.  Whether people fail us or not, God never will fail us. 

Looking back briefly on life, this was not where I expected to be in my 40s, twice divorced, a single mom, financially broke, emotionally scarred, heartache galore, losing most of what I went to school and worked for.  Yet, in all of these failures, I have gained so much more than I ever could had I not gone through all this.

Before, I was prideful, thinking I could do everything on my own.  Oh, I didn't think I was prideful, but when you live independent of God, you are prideful.  Something my daughter said when she was just learning to walk, she would slap my hand and push it away and say, "I can do it!"  The fact is, none of us can truly live a fulfilled life that completely and utterly satisfies without Jesus Christ.

Through everything, there was a surrender that came with me kicking, screaming, crying, shouting, fighting.  I did not want to give up my independence, which was keeping me in bondage.  That was more hell on earth than anything I have gone through and I've been through some pretty bad things.

These last few years, the enemy (Satan) has shoved it in my face that I have failed at the biggest things in life.  But, the truth was, what he meant for evil, God turned it around for good.  In all this, I learned to humble myself and realize God's way is best, not mine.  I learned a dependence on Him, but there is still the tendency to want to add some credit to my name and say I did it.

Those things that we do every day that we take for granted, it is God empowering us to do those things, not because we are such powerful, intelligent creatures.  It still baffles me that a God so Holy can love me - ME!