Shows Up

What's showing up in your life?

Are you surrounded by a bunch of people complaining or people apathetic or are they excited, motivated or are they encouragers?

Look back at my life, it seemed like there were periods that it seemed like I only attracted people who complained, or people who were victims, or people really into fitness and diehards. As I've changed, various people have come and gone. Some of those whom have gone, have come back, but different. Others are gone forever (perhaps).

For most of my life, I've succumbed to the "venting" spirit and now I realize that was a lie of the enemy's that really drilled itself very deeply in me, became a big part of me. In order for me to destress, often playing endless games of racquetball, working out, writing, or talking about it were my normal ways of dealing with all this stress. Afterall, I'd heard that you need to get it out of your system.

I wasn't killing anyone or berating them, rather I took all that negative energy and used it for good, right? WRONG!!! What that was doing was really fueling the stress, the anger. It was really just pouring gasoline on a pretty big fire, making the fire even greater. NOT GOOD!

Recently I read an article that did a study on this. The results showed that people who "vented" actually were worse off than those that just quietly sat still to cool down. It showed that this latter method allowed the person to think on a neutral scale, that that was effective at combatting these stresses.

So, I would surmise that meditating, doing yoga, deep breathing, or listening to quiet music to calm you down was far better than "venting". Of course, since this is a Christian blog, meditating on the Word of God can do wonders!! You are claiming and declaring Truth. Truth is life giving.

I'm finding that when I'm angry, it helps to pray, quote Scriptures that I've memorized, and bless the situation or person I'm upset with. My goodness!!! This has really changed the people that show up in my life, as well as how people are responding to me. Even my ex-husband has been far more cooperative.

Anyway, so if you find a lot of angry people in your life, maybe you ought to look at yourself and see if you're angry.

If you find that there are a lot of happy people in your life, maybe you genuinely are happy. Good for you!

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of people around me are getting into fitness & making better choices with their diets. This is soooo very cool, because guess what? It probably means that these are things coming out of me or I'm attracting it somehow. Woohoo!!!

There are some other things/people I'd like to attract, so I'm going to ask God what in me that is causing me to NOT attract those things and to change that. God is working and I really hope I'm submitting to what He's showing me.

Inadequacy

Today was another "A-Ha" moment!

Parenting has many challenges and I have mine, but overall, it's really been easy. Yes, I do deal with attitudes, sick children, messiness, and all that other stuff, but it doesn't seem "hard" like it seems for other people.

One of the things I do know that I did, though, it really wasn't me rather God, was to realize I couldn't do this parenting thing at all and really camped on God's doorstep to really intercede daily and throughout the day, each and every day. There were many days early on when Henry left that parenting was soooo hard. To manage everything was just too much and serious thoughts of being so inadequate crossed my mind often, and petitioning God was incessant.

Then, somewhere along the way, I kept realizing that God was stepping in. Think it was back in Feb or Mar'09 when it dawned on me that though my marriage was over, no longer having a husband, and that I was physically alone, true aloneness was a farce because God was there all the time. He was my husband, as well as a father to my kids.

He poured His Spirit into my children. In 2008, my little girl, then 7, asked Jesus to be her Savior. Less than a year later, at the beginning of 2009, my little boy, then 5, asked Jesus to be his Savior. Somehow, my son got saved, there arose a greater spiritual wholeness in our family.

We are taught as Americans, and also in my culture, to be very indepedent, to need no one. But, the sad fact is, that's a complete lie from the enemy that we've bought into. God wants us to be dependent on Him, to need Him completely. He doesn't want us to split off from the vine, which is our source for life. How ridiculous to think that we can live apart from the vine!

As I scan the other areas of my life -- finances, fitness, men, relationships, health, I'm really not successful in those areas because of my independence from God. Tonight is a time for me to spend in repentence before God for not needing Him in those areas, thinking I could do it all on my own.

When I look back at my career as an engineer, it was fairly successful, but it was because early on, the realization that I really wasn't that good and really needed God's help dominated. It's pretty amazing that my career lasted as long as it did and all of it would be attributed to God placing me at the right place at the right time.

When one is dependent upon God, it doesn't mean you kick back and do nothing, rather, when you work, you're relying on God rather than your own self.

Music & Words

Music has been a great part of my life since before grade school. There is something about music that moves me, that God speaks to me that words, events or things cannot do. It can reach into the deepest parts of me, touch me, soothe those hurts.

Maybe it's God's voice speaking in a different language that has no words, just different types of words that dance in the air, in a different energy medium.

A friend expressed to me the other day he doesn't listen to music, pretty much ever unless someone else is playing it. Honestly, to fathom this, it is incomprehensible. There are many times the music will whisk me away to a different place, especially when my hands tickle the ivories. My eyes close and fingers lightly dance over the keys, feeling the notes course through my veins, breathing the feelings and sounds.

There is something with putting words to music that gives it an even greater impact, at least for me it does. Put that with an incredible voice, POW! Can you just breathe that in? Delicious, isn't it?

God gives me many Divine appointments. Often whether I'm sitting at my computer working, driving, or walking alone, a song comes on either the radio (typically I listen to Air1, K-LOVE, or Family Life Radio -- all Christian radio) or my iPod/iTunes that moves me in a way tears begin flowing. Sometimes I don't even know why, but my spirit connects with the music, the words, the heart of the composer/lyricist. It is seeing a little bit into God's heart.

God really wants to connect with people. He wants to know us. He wants to know me. HE WANTS TO KNOW ME and HE accepts ME!! Can you believe that? He accepts ME!!! It's a healing salve. Thank you God!

Jealousy

The last post was on "Judgmentalism". This post is on "Jealousy". This really hasn't been a thing that is familiar to me, however, since I am unable to pinpoint what these feelings are, I will deem it jealousy or at least some lie of the enemy that I've fed in some manner.

There are 2 people who are accomplishing a similar goal. Both are making progress towards it. One, in my opinion, is doing it in an unsafe, poor manner. More anger is directed towards her and I find myself very disapproving of her. A part of my mind feels she is harming herself in how she is accomplishing her goal and is doing it irresponsibly and really copping out. This is causing me to lose respect for her.

A part of me feels why should she be able to accomplish her goal doing it in a bad way when I've done it what I thought correctly and haven't gotten anywhere? The fact is, if I had done it correctly for myself, it would be working. So apparently, what I've been doing has not been the right thing for me.

The other person is really doing all the right steps, or what I deem the right steps and really getting efficiently to her goal. I'm happy for her but when I look at where I am and all my efforts seem fruitless, at least in outward results, the question I ask is why am I unable to get good results? Afterall, I've worked to hard for so long and nothing I've done has been right.

The realization from my mind is each of these people's success or failure or anything really has nothing to do with me and with them. If they achieve success, they benefit from it, not me. It is through their own choices, not mine. My mind is logical and bypasses my heart, which is often illogical.

The Bible says God is a jealous God. This means He desires our focus and does not compete with other people, events, or things for the focal point. So, jealousy in this manner is not bad. We could even be "jealous" for our time with God, meaning that we want to protect the time we have with God. That isn't bad because the focus is still God.

However, when we are jealous of somone having or doing something - basically it's coveting someone or something other than God, THAT is sin. The Bible says that we are to have no other "gods" before Him. Wanting what someone else is also a violation of one of the other ten commandments regarding coveting what your neighbor has. So, that's a violation of 2 of the ten commandments.

So, is this blog entry about my failings and nothing is learned from here? Absolutely not. The enemy would like me to believe that I'm doomed to continue in these negative thoughts & feelings, especially towards these 2 people. However, God's grace is sufficient to get me through these things into a better place to where He desires me to be.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness in coveting the results & accomplishments of these 2 people and for judging them. I am totally in the wrong and I want to see them and others through YOUR eyes, not my eyes. I want to see them with YOUR love, and not my own frailty. Thank you God that You remove my sins as far as the East is from the West. You are so incredible. Thank You for the shed blood of Your Son that covers ALL my sins - past, present & future. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I do praise God for these 2 people in my life, as well as the other people that challenge me. What the enemy means for harm, God is teaching me that these really are opportunities He is giving me to heal areas of my life that need Him to fill, rather than what I have allowed to fill me -- lies.

Not really sure what the Lord is revealing to me, so I'm just going to pray and ask for His Divine intervention.

Judgmentalism

Sometimes it's so much easier to see the wrong in others than it is to see it in ourselves. Okay, maybe it's TONS easier to see the wrong in someone else than in ourselves! Let's call a spade a spade.

There are times I truly just let go of things and deem decisions people make as decisions for themselves. I'm typically one that loves to celebrate the successes of others and usually am not the jealous type. If I find that I'm being envious, God is quick to remind me that their success has nothing to do with me and that God just wants to bless them. That one hasn't been something that has been a huge challenge for me.

What has been a pretty big challenge is when someone does something NOT good for themselves and I find myself being critical of them and how poor that choice is for them and how it will hurt them. I do really want to see people succeed and live an incredible life, but in doing so, I'm finding that when they are making wrong choices and do not see that they are doing so, it gets my panties in a bunch, so to speak.

So, God here is like dental floss for my critical attitude -- another word for this is judgmentalism. When you put it that way, it sounds so harsh and unbiblical. In fact, it is unbiblical. The Bible says that with how we judge others, we will be judged. Oh cra*!!! So, the erroneous thinking is that though I love for people to succeed, when they don't, I'm critical of them (aka -- Judge them). How wrong is that?

God, please forgive me because I really didn't think that I was doing that.

Sometimes I do get in a self-righteous mode and righteousness only comes through Jesus Christ. He made us right before God.

What I'm realizing that every single person is at some place in time with their "stuff". I may be further along in one area than they are and they are further along in other areas. It doesn't make me better than them or vice versa. It just makes us at different places in life.

If we are opened to the Holy Spirit speaking and integrating Truth into our lives, it is than that the transforming power of the Cross really empowers us and allows us to love others exactly where they are at -- flaws and all. Don't we just all want to be loved and accepted?

Maybe they don't see the forest from the trees. I know I certainly haven't for many things or it took so much for this to happen. Yet, God is infinitely patient & merciful. He is filled with grace. Good thing God didn't strike me dead if I didn't get it the first time, eh?

Romans 2 talks about God's righteous judgment. Our human judgment of others is not righteous, like many of my critical remarks towards some people. I'm so very sorry. In Romans 2:4b it says, " . . . God's kindness leads you towards repentance".

Many people, or the media & society, often portray God as an angry God just waiting to zap you if you do something wrong. On the contrary, though God does judge, He never without much patience, mercy, grace brought discipline to His people or punishment to those who are not His people. God gave many chances over and over to allow people to make things right by acknowledging their need for God and to turn to Him. Throughout the Bible, discipline (that's used for His people) and punishment (for those who were not His people) were given as a last resort.

Take for example the Pharoh of Egypt. My gosh, God sent 10 plagues against the nation. Even before the plagues, and while Egypt was building it's empire, the Pharoh could've acknowledged God gave him all that stuff. But, he didn't. When the first plague came, he could've acknowledged God. But, he didn't. Even after the 10 plagues, he still didn't acknowledge God and put the blame on someone else and wanted to kill the messenger. In the end, it cost many lives because God's wrath did come upon Pharoh and the land of Egypt. This was God's punishment because Pharoh never acknowledged the One True Living God. He did acknowledge a god, but it wasn't the God of the Bible.

God has such a tremendous love for all mankind that He could turn everyone's hearts towards Him if He truly wanted, but giving every single person free choice to choose their own destiny allows it to be FREE WILL.

I'm grateful God has forgiven me of my judgmentalism towards other people not getting it, as well as forgiving myself for "not getting it" often. Releasing that today and that I'm very humbled that even though I have walked with the Lord for the majority of my life, some very basic things have taken so long to really understand or at least understand in a deeper way.

Thank you Holy Spirit for speaking to me in a very quiet voice last night, because I heard You. Thank you God for Your patience, grace & mercy.

Praise & Worship

The other day my kids and I went to Berean Bookstore with numerous 40% coupons. On the coupons it just said that only 1 item per coupon. It did not say you could not use more than one coupon per purchase or visit. The kids had earned the maximum Berean Bucks over the summer with their reading program.

Needless to say without going into details about this, we did not get to use most of the coupons, rather just one. The kids ended up having to put back most of their things and not spending most of the money they were planning on spending. When I found out their change in how we could use the coupons, my insides were boiling. I had this irate conversation in my head.

The Holy Spirit decided to intervene and told me to smile, be gracious, kind, control my temper, keep peace as I was talking to the sales clerk and the store manager. I argued with the Holy Spirit in my head, but chose to submit to what the Holy Spirit was telling me.

An earlier post talked about John 15:5, " . . . Apart from me, you can do nothing." That also popped into my head. Since the Holy Spirit resides in me, He gave me the power to keep peace, be gracious and kind. Surely that was not done in my own strength, but it was acknowledging and submitting to the Holy Spirit -- The Bible talks about how God would rather we obey than to sacrifice.

As we left the store, I felt okay that I obeyed the Holy Spirit, but still felt inclined to complain to my kids more. As I began to do that as we got into the car, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me in my head, "I want you to praise & worship me." The conversation continued with me objecting. Afterall, didn't I just do what you told me and don't I at least have the right to complain?

The Holy Spirit didn't explain Himself but just simple told me to "Praise & Worship God". So, I being giving gratitude about getting the one item we got with a 40% off. We ended up only spending $12 additional to the Berean Bucks. The plan was actually to spend closer to $70.

As we drove home singing praises to God, there was just a peace and lightness that enveloped our car. Prior to going to Berean's, I checked out the stuff we wanted online and with the 40% off coupon, it would've been cheaper. Somehow when we got home, I checked online again and it turned out that since there was no shipping costs, no tax, and the items were discounted, it was less expensive to buy online than at Berean's.

Spent $32 online, and plus the $12, it was a total of $44, which is $26 less expensive for the same items. How cool is that when you obey God? That is about the cost of an oil change for me and I get a few dollars left over. Wow, to get all those items, PLUS and oil change & some pocket change. God is so very good.

So, sometimes when things don't seem to be working out in our favor, maybe God has a higher purpose for something even better. We just need to be patient, obedient, AND, usher in His presence with Praise & Worship -- and, I'll add Thanksgiving.

It Should Be Easy

I was listening to two segments of Focus on the Family on "Dating & Courtship".

Dating & Courtship Segment 1

Dating & Courtship Segment 2

One of the things that Rev. Tommy Nelson talks about is that during this phase, the relationship should really be easy. If it's not, it's not the right relationship. As I look back at all my romantic relationships, they really aren't easy, especially my last one. Maybe I was delusional and just wanted it to work out, as I didn't want to fail again. Looking back, it would've failed again if I would've hung in with that relationship.

The guy I was seeing didn't value me as a woman loved and cherished by God. This was pretty evident, but I wanted to believe and think the best. If he treated me this way during courtship, certainly in marriage it would be far worse.

It was a challenge hearing some of the things in these 2 videos, as I saw where I was in error many times. EEEK!! However, I humbled myself before God and accepted this instruction and enlightenment. At least I now have a better basis on what to expect and if the relationship seems HARD, it's probably not the right relationship for me.

God has all different ways of speaking to people and I'm so very glad He used these 2 videos to show me things very clearly and succinctly. It bit, but what would've hurt more is to have gotten married to the guy and finding out all this later.

Keep your eyes wide opened and I'm glad I eventually listened to God before it was too late. God is so good and patient.

Raw

For a very long time, I've been really interested in health. I've followed some of Jordan Rubin's stuff, as well as Joseph Mercola, the Metabolic Typing Diet, and a number of other people's recommendations on how to live and eat better for better health. Each of these people have wonderful things that I learned about and I'm so blessed to have had time to soak this information & knowledge in, however, much of it involved a great deal of work.

Yes, it is work to be healthy -- daily, dilligent steps, the correct steps.

Due to many circumstances, over the past 3 years, I've greatly simplified how my kids and I eat. In the past, we had much more money to deal with, and thus we bought things like supplements, powders, minerals, herbs, oils, vitamins, and all sorts of expensive things. You can say this was a forced financial housecleaning over these past 3 yrs, particularly the last.

What Satan meant for evil has turned out for good.

The kids and I just got back to the basics and really mainly buying single item foods -- free range organic chicken, wild fish, grass fed beef & lamb, organic eggs, a lot of organic fruit & veggies, raw nuts (don't know if they are organic or not), legumes, and sparingly organic dairy. There are odds & ends like unfiltered appled cidar vinegar, psyllium husk, olive oil, coconut oil, non-gluten grains that we do buy, but they are also all single item things.

It's keep our foods simple, fresh (or frozen) which is much easier on our body.

Though I have been overweight all my life, eating this way without introducing foods that have ingredients that I cannot produce, refined sugar, processed foods, gluten, regular dairy has really been the real culprit in keeping that weight on and making me feel so sluggish, brain fog, irritable.

Think about what your lifestyle is like and figure out how you can eat healthy, get moving so you get some physical activity (typing or using your elaborate cell phone are not considered physical activities). God wants you to take care of your health & body. Afterall, your bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and our bodies are one thing God has entrusted to us.

Fear

Fearless by Max Lucado is a book I recently finished reading.

On a more personal note, earlier in the book he writes a little about the Chinese culture. Growing up in a traditional Chinese home, I reflect that I do not recall my father, who is still living, ever saying an encouraging word to me EVER. When I saw this written in the book, it struck such a profound deep cord in me, that knowing billions of other Chinese people also live with the same lie that if you encourage someone, that is a bad thing, as it creates a weak person.

So, in order to create a strong, tough person, berating, belittling them show s that you really love them. What a bunch of bull!

Having a lack of encouragement and the overall Chinese culture has instilled such great fear in me, that it's taken many years of professional psychological therapy, lots of prayer, encouragement from others, reading, learning, application of what I've learned to break through many of those fears and realize they are just lies. Being that I'm an adult, my parents really did the best they could with what they knew. Afterall, it made them "tough" and successful, so why wouldn't it work on me?

It's worked for many people, maybe even billions. However, it did not work for me.

Fear is manifested in so many different ways. When there is fear, there is the absence of love because the Bible says that perfect love (the love that comes from God) casts at all fear. It doesn't just leave some fear behind but it casts it all out, throws it off. No more attachments or remnants. It's gone.

Fear manifests itself in so many different ways: anger, procrastination, blaming, laziness, complacency, overeating, addictions, control issues, depression -- just to name a few.

One of the things I'm learning about fear is that identifying it and taking responsibility that I let it into my life (regardless of the means). It's not real. More about this later.

Hope Reformer

I began subscribing a couple days ago to a prophet email list called the Elijah List. Got my first newsletter today, which it's just before 3 am and the reason why I cannot sleep is because I forgot to take my heart meds all day yesterday - not good.

However, it is allowing me to read this whole newsletter from start to finish, which I often do not do, especially if it's long. Usually I'll just skim, but now I'm just soaking this up as the words are penetrating and convicting me. Bob Harley writes the prophetic article and it speaks so me so deeply.

He talks about how the Lord showed him that there will be people called "Hope Reformers" who will build radiant, hope-filled cities. They have a perspective that is from God, a heavenly perspective that transforms the world around them with the force of hope. He sais they are benevolent kings & queens called to bring forth "Hope Centers" across the earth. They are rebuilding individuals, families, businesses, schools & cities. Everywhere they went they were singing the "Song of Wisdom & Hope," which represents the true knowledge of God.

The following is taken verbatim from his newsletter:

"The Lord showed me that as these Hope Reformers would set their hearts in adoration every day and purpose to magnify and adore the Lord first, their perspectives would be lifted up above the clouds of doubt and despair, and they would begin to see with God's eternal, heavenly perspective. He watched as their first response to crisis or challenges was no longer doubt, fear or anxiety, but their faces became radiant as they magnified and extolled the greatness of their God. Their emotions and thoughts were no longer altered by their circumstances, but their hope in God began to change the circumstances around them. They became firmly planted Adoration Pillars, spreading the fragrance of Jesus everywhere they went."

When I read this, my heart tore because if God called me to be a Hope Reformer as a young child, then what am I doing doubting and despairing over my challenges? I have allowed my emotions and thoughts to be altered by my circumstances, where there was a time I did not.

So, I must set my heart EVERY DAY and purposefully to ADORE the Lord FIRST and to continue to do it, to see from a heavenly perspective, which I know He gave me so very long ago and it's always been there, but I failed to utilize it lately.

I must purposefully care for the heart of God, and understand that MY strength cames from the Lord, not my own self. This is what David did that made him a man after God's heart. David adored God first, then he asked of God of every single situation, even if the situation was identical to one before. God's answer was different each time.

Here's another passage from the newsletter that I cannot paraphrase,

"At the Counsel Table of the Lord, the Lord showed me that many times I had come to Him with the wrong questions that were birthed from fear and doubt, rather than coming with hope-filled, confident questions that God would give. These questions from God would position my heart in confident expectation of the goodness of the Lord and His plans and hope for my life. The Lord showed me that I could either approach my circumstances as a constant question of God's love for me, or I could come to the Counsel Table of the Lord and rightly perceive my position before God as His favored Son. This puts circumstances in their proper place. He showed me that it is a choice to live under the circumstances of life or to live above them."

Wow, isn't that powerful? What kind of questions am I asking the Lord?

More,

"As I purposed to listen to the heart of the Lord, He gave me new questions of hope, as in Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?" The Lord has given me hundreds of questions about process, relationships, the next generation, cities and nations, individuals, for business, etc. The Lord is inviting us all to His Counsel Table, where He desires to give us the right questions to ask at the right time, to give us the right hope-filled answers to advance our hearts into our divine destiny."

Lord, I need and want to know Your heart. I want to touch Your heart, ask the right hope-filled questions. I want to walk in my calling & divine destiny.

Words & Thoughts

What kind of words do you speak to yourself? What sort of thoughts do you have all day?

As I look back at the thoughts & words as a parent, they have become more aligned to the Word of God and thus, I do have success in my parenting. However, that hasn't been the case in all areas of my life and as I reflect right now, looking at my finances, my fitness, my health, my relationships, the subtle words of defeat, failure, living in the past has kept me in bondage.

This morning as I've been reading a few articles on my Identity in Jesus Christ, I'm convicted of the chains of bondage I personally have allowed in my own life, that has not allowed me to move forward in power & strength, in the person I am in the Lord Jesus Christ. I have not taken my authority that God, my Papa has given me. How sad, to flounder in the mud when I could be soaring with the eagles.

How does that speak to you? What are you going to do about it?