Mon, 2-Jan-2012 -- Tears

Tear!, a photo by ::: *TearS* ::: on Flickr.

This evening I cried for a friend, for her sadness and grief, as I also prayed for her and joined with her in her questions and heartache. Why does God allow suffering? What happens when we pray for good things and they don't happen? What are we to do when bad things upon bad things keep on happening?

I definitely don't have all the answers, or maybe even any answers, rather all I can share are my experiences and what God has done in my life, and how He has changed me through my own heartaches, suffering, and hardships.

There are countless bad things that have happened to me over the past 7 yrs and it seemed that at every turn, more bad things were happening. I remember so clearly asking God to restore my marriage. Afterall, God ordains marriage, right? How can asking for that be wrong? It didn't happen. God gives free will and though it was something I wanted, my husband did not want to be married to me. God wasn't going to force his hand at it. My marriage ended.

My home gone. My retirement gone. My savings gone. My dogs that I had since puppies who were old gone. My vehicles (most) gone. My career gone. My identity gone.

I cried and I cried. It seemed like the tears would never end. I kept crying and couldn't stop. People prayed. I cried so much I would've thought all that water that I had lost would've helped me to be thinner. I cried some more.

I begged God and asked Him why? But, amidst all my tears, every day I learned to humbly come before God and just thank Him for stuff in my life. Every day through this journey over the past 5+ yrs, I have entered into the courts of the Lord to praise Him amidst the steady stream of tears flowing from my face.

My God is not a cruel, heartless God that desires to see me suffer and scoffs at that. But, through my tears, they soften the clay and allows God to mold me more into the image of His Son Jesus Christ.

Do you see His face in me? None of our tears are wasted. God is good ALL the time. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, my children and I are loved beyond measure.

He loves you, too. Do you know my Jesus?

Thurs, 29-Dec-2011 -- Gratitude

Gratitude Journal, a photo by limevelyn on Flickr.

Although it's not the very last day of the year, I wanted to reflect a bit on being grateful, having gratitude. Today I began to take an inventory on my journey with gratitude. Over five years ago, I began to keep a gratitude journal online, with basically starting out with 5 gratitudes a day. This stemmed off a group that I belong to online, a goal in that group that I was a part of.

Now, more than 5 yrs later and over 27,000 gratitudes logged, 1883 days journaled (I've missed 3 days total in 5 yrs), I can truly see God's hand of love, mercy and grace covering my kids and I.

In 2006, I retired from my profession in engineering, hoping to never need to go back. But, I was also burned out from work, not doing well with recovering from a traumatic event the year before. I started doing my gratitudes in the last quarter of the year.  I averaged 6 gratitudes a day.

In 2007, my children's and my world fell apart at the discovery of my husband's affairs and adultery, and him walking away from our marriage. I also discovered the financial demise he put us in and also walked away from, leaving me to raise 2 young kids alone and destroying our finances that I worked for many years to build. The storms began to brew. I averaged 10 gratitudes a day. Missed 2 days.

In 2008, I continued to work on grasping at straws to hold what little of our finances there were and getting help, but to no avail. My divorce was finalized, but I was still a wreck, as my kids. We began counseling to help us recover from the devestation. I averaged 11 gratitudes a day. I missed 1 day.

In 2009, financial collaspe of our personal finances was inevitable. We had to sell our home and move in with my dad. I praise God my dad is around to help us, but definitely humbling. We were flat broke and deeply in debt.

My ex-husband took no responsibility for what he caused, though, legally he is obligated. But, I was left to bear all the burden. I averaged 17 gratitudes a day. I missed NO days.

In 2010, it was adjusting to everything, but no additional turmoil beyond what was already happening. I averaged 15 gratitudes a day. I missed NO days.

In 2011, it was a year of hell being in court 7-8 times for 3 different things. With finances being drained, living on miracles, gaining back weight that took me months to lose, it seemed like things were never going to get better. I averaged 20 gratitudes a day.

I noticed in the years when things were particularly bad, even though all of them seemed that way, I dug my heels in and thanked God more.  It wasn't for the bad circumstances, rather for drawing me closer to Him and for teaching, correcting and refining me to be more like Him.

It says in Psalm 100:4-5, 4
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

I can honestly attest to God's faithfulness through everything we've been through. I'm learning to step out of victim mode and once again get up, stand up, and instead of placing my confidence on myself in my own independence, rather humbly stand up and rely on God through everything.

God has moved on the hearts of many people, including total strangers, to give us favor, assistance, support & encouragement. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and in my case, it's required my community, which consists of my family, church, friends, and strangers to come along side of us.

God has moved heaven and earth to change my heart, attitudes, viewpoints towards so many things. I have come to realize that we need to very little.  Life is much simpler.  Though I would never wish what happened in our lives to anyone, God turned around what the enemy meant for bad and to destroy, these awful circumstances has helped us learn to appreciate these blessings in disguise.  My precious Lord did major housecleaning in my life.

Through my tears, heartache and pain, God held my heart in His hands and cried, too. He bottled our tears and did not allow one to be wasted.  Instead of seeing with eyes of having lost much, I've gained more than  could ever be imagined.  There is a sweetness that fills and envelopes my children's and my life.

It is humbling to see a heart of gratitude developed through the gift of pain. I praise my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the pain He endured so I could be free and grateful.

How grateful are you?  I encourage you to daily live with gratitude.  It'll change your life.

Failure

I love the song by 1000 Generations called "Fail Us Not" and the words are really wonderful.  The song talks about how none of our failures shock God, and that God is above all our failures, our problems, the things that terrifies us.  Whether people fail us or not, God never will fail us. 

Looking back briefly on life, this was not where I expected to be in my 40s, twice divorced, a single mom, financially broke, emotionally scarred, heartache galore, losing most of what I went to school and worked for.  Yet, in all of these failures, I have gained so much more than I ever could had I not gone through all this.

Before, I was prideful, thinking I could do everything on my own.  Oh, I didn't think I was prideful, but when you live independent of God, you are prideful.  Something my daughter said when she was just learning to walk, she would slap my hand and push it away and say, "I can do it!"  The fact is, none of us can truly live a fulfilled life that completely and utterly satisfies without Jesus Christ.

Through everything, there was a surrender that came with me kicking, screaming, crying, shouting, fighting.  I did not want to give up my independence, which was keeping me in bondage.  That was more hell on earth than anything I have gone through and I've been through some pretty bad things.

These last few years, the enemy (Satan) has shoved it in my face that I have failed at the biggest things in life.  But, the truth was, what he meant for evil, God turned it around for good.  In all this, I learned to humble myself and realize God's way is best, not mine.  I learned a dependence on Him, but there is still the tendency to want to add some credit to my name and say I did it.

Those things that we do every day that we take for granted, it is God empowering us to do those things, not because we are such powerful, intelligent creatures.  It still baffles me that a God so Holy can love me - ME!

Thurs, 15-Dec-11 -- Feeling Blue

12-15-11 (Feeling Blue), a photo by Extraordinarily_Passionate on Flickr.

There are some areas of my life that are really super fantastic, far beyond what I could ever imagine things being in a good way. Then, there are other things where it's just been way worse than I had ever thought.

There were moments in the past couple months where I thought this was changing for me, this one particular area. But, it seems probably not or maybe I'm looking at things with too much of a magnifying glass.

Yes, I've heard the stories where people try time after time until they get it right, but when it deals with matters of the heart, it doesn't make sense and that's much different.

I allowed my heart to feel for just a moment and it turned out super painful. I don't feel like screaming, just crying. Yet, I know God hears my heartache and my plea. It's been for a long time. And, I don't know if I will see it in this lifetime or not. Not trying to be melodramatic.

If it's meant to be, it will. If it's not, then it won't. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. They have to be willing, even if it takes all their courage.

This month in my Single Moms' group, our memory verse is found in Psalm 27:14. I dont' know what translation, but I'm guessing something like King James (KJV). "Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord."

How did God know that I would need this verse and to memorize it, which I did well more than a week ago?

I'm to wait on God for His timing in all things, no matter how much I want it to happen NOW! It takes courage to make right decisions and I don't know that that courage is really me, rather Christ who lives in me.

God says He will strengthen my heart. Being an avid exerciser my whole adult life, strengthening oneself takes consistency & discipline, and often going through periods of unpleasantness. Guess that's where I am at, feeling super unpleasant with a breaking heart. I long for it to be different.

Funny that verse says to wait on God. It repeats itself and when verses or chapters of the Bible do that, the author is stressing it. Guess the author, most likely David, knew that a human being has issues with waiting. We are impatient.

I would really love for things to be different on just 2 points, but they are pretty big. If they aren't right, then it just isn't right. Just going to wait to see what God does . . . however He chooses to do things.

Wed, 14-Dec-2011 --- Broken Heart

Broken Heart, a photo by Matthew Kendig on Flickr.

I woke up early this morning thinking about someone, and I started to cry. Guess it didn't help that I've been listening to some 80s songs like . . . Babe, Boys of Summer, Desert Moon, Don't Cry, I Ain't Missing You, Love Story (not 80s), New Song, The Smile Has Left Your Eyes, Things Can Only Get Better, Time Takes Its Toll (not 80s), Whatever It Takes, and You Belong To Me.

Guess that's not a real happy play list. That, combined with the weather, my mood is pretty pathetic and sad.

Yesterday I talked to my life group leader about this person. I really thought I was alright and wouldn't be this impacted. Boy, was I wrong. Tears just flowed down my face.

Incidentally, it was pouring outside as we were in his car just talking. He's such a kind soul to be the driver and carpool with myself and 2 other women in our group.

Okay, maybe my heart is a bit more than chipped, rather just broken, fractured. Wow, coming up to Christmas in less than 2 weeks.

I wonder and ask God why? What purpose did all of this serve? Did my heart need to hurt some more? Did I not get enough pain this year? I'm not angry at God. I let myself go probably where I should not have, despite my guardedness. I didn't guard my heart well enough, so now I experience pain.

I'm still trying to figure out where I went wrong and what lesson I need to learn. Haven't figured it out. My motivation level to do stuff right now wanes.

Mon, 12-Dec-2011 ---- Storm, Let It Rain

Today began as every other day.  Nothing unusual other than it was raining.  It's been a bit rainy the past month or so here in central Arizona, which is unusual for this time of year.  Heavy rains bring torrential flash flooding, which can be deadly.  Yet, for the arid desert, it is most welcomed.  It doesn't pour here often, but it does happen.  Today it poured during various times of the day.

These clouds don't look so bad, but half hour later, there were no semblance of the blue hue, and the sky was once again covered with the gray and dreariness of the blanket of clouds that stretched as far as the eye could see.  Storms moved in quicker and it poured as my son and I raced to the car from the dr's office, hoping to not get soaked.  We didn't get soaked, but a little wet, as we welcomed the safety of our vehicle from the downpour.

Life is sort of like the weather today.  As the clouds throughout the day moved in and out of parts of where we lived, there were moments that looked very ominous and others maybe there was a ray of sunlight, of hope that things were clearing up.  And then, comes the storm again.

I once (okay, maybe it was more than once) told my kids when they were younger that the rain sometimes is God feeling sad that people on this earth do not love Him.  Okay, that wasn't true nor was is biblical.  I did tell them that later, and I'm not sure why I ever said that to them.  Maybe I thought it was funny or a mom's warped sense of humor.

Nonetheless, to some people, the rains are welcomed.  To others, it isn't.  The rains feed crops for the farmers, but too much rain isn't good, as is not enough rain.  Rains here in the valley help refresh the air and get rid of the pollution, at least temporarily.  Rains have served in the Bible as a form of discipline or punishment at times, and other times, the lack of it has had the same effect.

Today, my own tears showered my face as I think of some most recent happenings in my life.  Yesterday it was clear and sunny, which is a condition that I absolutely love here.  We have in central AZ so many clear & sunny days.  But, my 2011 has been filled with a lot of storm clouds that look very threatening.  I thought maybe there was a ray of hope in the past couple months, but those gray clouds always lingered right nearby.

And, thus today, so appropo that our weather is how I feel. 

Why some things happen?  Maybe I'll never know.  But, I am definitely sure that no matter what, God is good and He is good all the time.  Whether in feast or famine, God's grace is sufficient to weather any storm.  I've seen it over the past 7 yrs.

Reflecting on the past 12 months of 2011, I was hoping for 1 month where there would be no pain, no suffering, no heartache.  So, I'm 12/12 months of pain, suffering, heartache.  I don't rejoice in those things, rather I rejoice in what God is doing in me, changing and molding me to be more like Him.  I can't compare the things I'm going through to what Christ did on the Cross, but the events of my life do matter to Him, because He died for them.

After 7 yrs of hell on this earth, I still trust God.  In fact, it's a deeper trust that was born out of suffering.  I'm hoping that next year, 2012, will be the Year of Jubilee for me.  If not, God is still good and He is good all the time.

Life is too precious to waste and I refuse to waste another moment.  God is changing me.  I'm not the same woman I was 7 yrs ago.  I hope that through everything, my life reflects more of the hope of Jesus Christ and that He shines so brightly in it.  There's still a long way to go, but I hope my life is a sweet aroma to Him, though, it is wrought with many mistakes along the way.