Thurs, 5-Jan-2012 -- Would It Matter

This morning I feel a mixture of intense sadness and joy.  Joy that I get to live another day and share it with some of the people that I love, that I get to take another breath freely.  Sadness as last night a local media personality died along with his wife.  It is suspected that it was a murder-suicide.  Bill Heywood has been around a very long time.

This song is by Skillet, one of my favorite groups (I have quite a few of them), called "Would It Matter".  Some of the lyrics say "If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care?  If my time was up, I would like to know, you were happy I was.  If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anyone lose sleep?"  The lyrics are a bit depressing, and as I think about Skillet's songs, though I love the actual music, a lot of their lyrics are pretty somber and hard.

Bill is the second media person in the past 3 months I've learned that has been involved in a suicide that was successful.  And, there have been a number of other people that I've read, or seen their pictures, or heard of that has committed suicide.  Each of these people are making a choice to end their lives because they saw no hope, no way out.

I don't know any of these people personally, but my heart weeps for them, tears flow from my face as I mourn their choice, a choice they can never take back. 

Did you know that there is always someone, at least one person that loves you?  That's Jesus.  With Him, even if things are so incredibly dim, there is hope.  Did you know my Jesus.  Did you know there is hope?  I guess you didn't because you chose the wrong way out.  It wasn't your time.

Today as I stopped at Staples to pick up a few office supplies, I vaguely remember the blonde cashier.  She asked me if it was okay to give me all 5's back as change.  I don't remember what she looked like.  She was just a person that momentarily dotted my life.  Bill Heywood was just a voice on the radio, but today I shed tears for him and his wife.

That girl at Staples, I wonder if she knows that she's loved?  I wonder the faces in the cars that zoom past me on the freeway, have they lost their hope? 

Tomorrow the sun will come up again.  Another day.  How do we view it?  Do you still have hope no matter how bad things are?  Will you make a choice that can never be changed?  Know that you are loved, that Jesus loves you and that He cares.

Let me know how I can pray for you.

Failure

I love the song by 1000 Generations called "Fail Us Not" and the words are really wonderful.  The song talks about how none of our failures shock God, and that God is above all our failures, our problems, the things that terrifies us.  Whether people fail us or not, God never will fail us. 

Looking back briefly on life, this was not where I expected to be in my 40s, twice divorced, a single mom, financially broke, emotionally scarred, heartache galore, losing most of what I went to school and worked for.  Yet, in all of these failures, I have gained so much more than I ever could had I not gone through all this.

Before, I was prideful, thinking I could do everything on my own.  Oh, I didn't think I was prideful, but when you live independent of God, you are prideful.  Something my daughter said when she was just learning to walk, she would slap my hand and push it away and say, "I can do it!"  The fact is, none of us can truly live a fulfilled life that completely and utterly satisfies without Jesus Christ.

Through everything, there was a surrender that came with me kicking, screaming, crying, shouting, fighting.  I did not want to give up my independence, which was keeping me in bondage.  That was more hell on earth than anything I have gone through and I've been through some pretty bad things.

These last few years, the enemy (Satan) has shoved it in my face that I have failed at the biggest things in life.  But, the truth was, what he meant for evil, God turned it around for good.  In all this, I learned to humble myself and realize God's way is best, not mine.  I learned a dependence on Him, but there is still the tendency to want to add some credit to my name and say I did it.

Those things that we do every day that we take for granted, it is God empowering us to do those things, not because we are such powerful, intelligent creatures.  It still baffles me that a God so Holy can love me - ME!