ENTITLEMENT Does NOT Produce a Gentle & Quiet Spirit

Abandoned Car at the Petrified Forest

For the past two years, I have been going nearly weekly to EMDR therapy, which is professional counseling.  Nearly 2 years ago I had a panic attack that I thought was a heart attack.  Thankfully it was not a heart attack.  It was confirmed that my physical heart is in great condition, but the internal, subconscious workings of my mind were very stressed out and in need of great care.

We started out addressing the anxiety I felt with having a job that was stressful for little pay.  My husband a couple months before got hired on full-time as a software engineer working for a Native American government.  They loved him as a contractor and ended up not only paying him what they paid him as a contractor, but gave him 33% above that salary along with full benefits.  That more than made up for the need for my salary and my husband encouraged me to quit my job, which I did within a few weeks of my panic attack.

Since I'd never had a panic attack before, it really felt like a heart attack and it was an awful feeling.  Through these past years, I've addressed with my therapist who is also a strong Christian, many issues I've had that were very deep rooted.  EMDR is a therapy that addresses balancing the left and right hemispheres of the brain that have been traumatized making one hemisphere of the brain continually more over reactive than it ought to be by emotionally reliving traumas, or what you as the individual perceives as traumas.

A trauma could be anything from a little 4 yr old dropping an ice cream cone, her perception of devastation to victims of crimes like rape or war or experiencing murder, etc.  There is the whole gambit.  Because I've done EMDR at two other times in my life, and have been doing EFT for 16 yrs, I have become more attuned to stuff that many people do not notice.  However, there are still things I do not notice unless pointed out to me.  It's all a learning process.

I am grateful to my husband for allowing me to go to these weekly private EMDR therapy sessions, as they are costly.  But, we are seeing good results and more results as time goes by with changes in how I view and do things.  I don't believe talk therapy alone is effective.  And there are many therapies that prescribe medication for which I am not a proponent of usually.  It just masks the roots of the issues and doesn't allow you to get in touch with these things and thus, you continue to live in this state of trauma unless you're medicated.

We've also recently been using acupuncture to address some emotional issues.  Prayer, of course, is the biggest component to all this and for the Holy Spirit to reveal the areas that need to be addressed.  If God wanted to heal me instantly, He can.  BUT, He hasn't.  It's been good that God hasn't instantly healed me because it's forcing me to work through the process of healing and seeing gradual changes as I take actions each week.

For quite a few months now, I've been plagued with a re-addiction to Dr. Pepper.  I've prayed about it so many times, done EFT, and we've addressed quite a few things in EMDR, and we've also one time used some acupuncture.  BUT, to no avail.  However, yesterday's session with my EMDR therapist sparked something that hasn't been sparked in our sessions.  I told her while her doing EMDR on me, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me the root of my anger, frustrations, etc had been coming from the fact that my spirit was not gentle nor quiet, and that God wanted to cultivate a gentle & quiet spirit within me.

What the heck, I was thinking?  In 1 Peter 3:3-5 it says,

• 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; (NIV)

As part of the Titus 2 Bible study for the past 9 months, I've learned a lot and gained a lot in my walk with God as a woman, wife, and mother.  Why wasn't my spirit gentle and quiet?  It came down to ENTITLEMENT - one's right.  We live in an entitlement culture and society.  And whether you are truly entitled or not, people have continually asserted that you are entitled.  

When you are entitled, you have a different mindset than humbly laying down what you are entitled to.  It is a prideful, selfish attitude.  Look around at all the protests, at all the people who assert themselves.  They say they are doing it for the greater good, but it's not true.  It's very selfish, prideful, aggressive, bullying, destruction, disrespectful, haughty, self-serving.  You must call a spade a spade.  There is no agree to disagree.  It's only one way or all hell breaks loose.

Yes, you got your degree or you have the work experience, but that doesn't mean any company is entitled to give you a job.  You may be a woman, but that doesn't entitle you to become the President of the United States.  You may have given birth to 8 children, but that doesn't entitle you to getting help from anyone.  You may have worked really hard on your project, but that doesn't entitle you to a good grade or that your project will work.  Life IS and can be quite unfair.

My husband commented yesterday that he's been noticing that around the 5-8 pm every day lately, I've been a grouch and ready to start a fight, or just meanly sarcastic.  I've been working to quit drinking Dr. Pepper and maybe without it, that was my 'go to' or crutch, like some women have a glass of wine or two or three each day or men grabbing a few beers to sit in front of the boob tube.  

The Lord has been convicting me that though I may not say anything verbally, my curt attitude, sharp, cutting remarks as well as body language, they all show that my inward attitude is not real good.  Why?  Sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated or taken for granted, and that I am ENTITLED to be appreciated.  As I've cultivated this attitude with the secret conversations in my head, this has also been tending to the Garden of Entitlement in my mind and creating a spirit that is argumentative, easily offended, bitter, and resentful.  Definitely no signs of a gentle and quiet spirit.

It says in 1 Peter 3:3-5 that God greatly values and finds precious a GENTLE & QUIET SPIRIT.  How do you cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit?

1.  Think on Right Things.  

Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (NIV)

2.  Discipline Your Thoughts.  

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "5 and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ." (HCSB)

3.  Meditate & Memorize Bible Verses.

Psalm 119:11 says, "Your Word I have treasured and stored in my heart, That I may not sin against You." (AMP)

4.  Repent For Sins That Come to Mind and Get Healing For The Sin Trauma

2 Corinthians 7:9-10 says, "⁹ But now I am happy—not because I made you sad, but because your sadness made you change your ways. That sadness was used by God, and so we caused you no harm. ¹⁰ For the sadness that is used by God brings a change of heart that leads to salvation—and there is no regret in that! But sadness that is merely human causes death." (GNT)

James 5:16 says, "16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." (AMP)

1 Peter 2:24 says, "24 Christ carried our sins in his body on the cross. He did this so that we would stop living for sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you were healed." (ERV)

5.  Take Authority in Jesus' Name Over Thoughts Over the Demonic

Luke 10:19 says, "19 Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you." (NLT)

Just like anything you want to be successful at, you must discipline yourself to do the things that it takes to be successful.  You must find your Why and Purpose for this success.  It must own you.  And you must get rid of things that impede your success.  True and lasting success is not easy, but well worth it.

If outwardly we show a smile and keep our tongue from spewing out bad things, eventually the things of our heart that are hidden will come out.  Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, "The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.  But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind.  I get to the heart of the human.  I get to the root of things.  I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” (MSG)

And I love what Ezekiel 36:26 says, "²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."  (NLT)

If we allow God to change our heart by changing the things we continually think about, which changes our actions, then our attitudes will also change as we begin to do things God's way, then we will see through God's eyes other people. How amazing and transformed our lives will be for the better.

Let your outside be consistent with your inside.

Your Character Behind Closed Doors

Death Valley - Bad Water Basin (Nov'16)

I have been challenged each week as I attend my Women's Bible Study with various aspects of not only things regarding my marriage and family, but also me personally in my walk with God.  Actually, it's really about my walk with the Lord.

The true test of what kind of character you have is what you do behind closed doors when nobody knows or can see what you're doing aside from God.  This also means your spouse and children don't know or cannot see how you are, rather only God.  I'm of the belief that all our sins find us out sooner or later because the Bible talks about this in both the Old Testament (OT) and the New Testament (NT).

I guess I felt a bit smug in this that I felt that I was not a hidden sin type person, but I guess this really subtle sin was hidden and even I didn't take responsibility for that I could have known hidden sin in my life.  Though I have been a born-again Christian since I was 7 yrs, and now 48 yrs old, I felt pretty confident that yes, I do sin and make mistakes, but to knowingly be a person or do something that showed a lack of integrity, I didn't feel I was that person, or at least have gotten that out of my system.

I'm going to share several translations of some verses in both the OT and the NT that talk about our sins finding us out.

1.  Number 32:23 (OT)

• HCSB - But if you don’t do this, you will certainly sin against the Lord; be sure your sin will catch up with you.
• ESV - But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out.
• CEV -  But if you don’t keep your promise, you will sin against the Lord and be punished.
• NABRE - But if you do not do this, you will have sinned against the Lord, and you can be sure that the consequences of your sin will overtake you.
• NLT - But if you fail to keep your word, then you will have sinned against the Lord, and you may be sure that your sin will find you out.
• VOICE - But if you fail to follow through, your sin against the Eternal will follow you. Wherever you go, it will go badly for you.
• MSG - “But if you don’t do what you say, you will be sinning against God; you can be sure that your sin will track you down. So, go ahead. Build towns for your families and corrals for your livestock. Do what you said you’d do.”
• CEB - But if you don’t do this, you’ve sinned against the Lord. Know that your sin will find you.

It's always helpful to look at a verse in different translations to get a better understanding of what you are reading.  And, better yet, you can go to the Greek and Hebrew to look things up for further understanding about various words.  We can see that if we try to hide sin, it eventually gets exposed.  God sees to it.

2.  Luke 12:2 (NT)

• AMP  - But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known.
• GW - Nothing has been covered that will not be exposed. Whatever is secret will be made known.
• ICB - Everything that is hidden will be shown. Everything that is secret will be made known.
• NIV - There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.

God had to remind me as well as humble me in a gentle way to share with me that I am also accountable and there was still an area of my life that hadn't come under submission to the Lord.  The Bible tells wives to submit to our husbands and foolishly I thought I had been doing that.  But last night, an area of something I had done without my husband's approval was exposed.

Who exposed it?  God used me to expose it accidentally.  I had bought something without my husband's approval.  Now, mind you, I don't need his approval when it comes to every day things like buying groceries and things like that.  But on more expensive things that I don't normally buy, we mutually agreed quite some time back that we would get each others' agreement before purchasing such things.  

My husband had been doing that and for things I object, we discuss and come to a compromise.  But, the prior year, I wanted to get something and he disagreed.  It was a great price and on sale and a bit pricey.  Without asking him or letting him know, I went ahead and purchased a Target Gift Card for $300 for $270 or something like that.  Maybe less.

I believe I did this back in December sometime, so nearly 3 months ago and I had used it to buy various things our family needed the past 3 months.  And, I only had about $8 or so left of that $300.  I'm usually always very open and forthright with my husband.  He knows all my passwords to everything, and can get on my computer, iPad, iPhone or anything anytime.

I willfully bought this without his permission or even knowledge until last night.  I tried to justify and rationalize why it wasn't wrong of me to do so for a little bit with him.  But, my husband finally responded, knowing that I am very sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit, he said to me, "If it wasn't wrong, you would have told me about it.  You didn't tell me because you knew it was wrong."

Wow!!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I thought I was completely transparent with my husband, but I was deceiving myself.  Maybe 98% of the time I was, but this 2% Target gift card was not.  My husband told me that caused him to lose some trust in me that evening.  He didn't yell at me.  He didn't order or demand of me anything.  He just said it wasn't right of me of what I did.

My husband wasn't looking to catch me in anything.  In fact, he didn't even have a clue, but God made it possible to reveal my sin through me.  What was hidden was now exposed.  I didn't want to take responsibility.

The fact was, if I use the gift card, I don't get 5% off.  So, technically, I only saved 5%, $15 and I allowed $15 to cause my husband to lose some trust in me for which I have to rebuild back.  I want to be completely trustworthy not only to my husband, but also to God.

See, submitting to our husbands isn't easy.  It is counter to what our society teaches us.  But, God's ways are always better.  I have seen how God has blessed multiple times over when I truly trusted God instead of taking things into my own hands, thinking I know better.  I have trusted God in so many things through my husband and I have seen God's hand of blessing upon us, upon me.

Even if my husband still said no, then I am to honor and respect my husband and not buy whatever it is.  Even if he is wrong and maybe there is some negative thing that happens, I'm still to trust God.  Eventually, God will bring blessing when He sees fit.  I failed here and that greatly grieves me as I have hurt not only my husband, but particularly God.

• Romans 2:4 says in the NOG, "Do you have contempt for God, who is very kind to you, puts up with you, and deals patiently with you? Don’t you realize that it is God’s kindness that is trying to lead you to him and change the way you think and act?".

This is an opportunity for me to get this right with God through asking Him to forgive me, and then to change the way I think and act with His help.  THAT is repentance.  It's not only the act of forgiveness, but to change from the heart what brought you to that sin in the first place.  It's those little character flaws that can really lead to a person's downfall.

Though we are not financially wealthy at this point, before God can give more to me, to us, He has to make sure not only can we handle it, but that we have the integrity, strength of character to be people of honor, people of integrity, willing to do the right thing no matter what.

As I always tell my children, we can learn lessons quickly or we can keep repeating them and the lessons will get harder and harder.  It's better to have a $30 (actually $15) lesson than a $30 billion or more lesson.

What are you like in secret?  If they are sins against the Almighty God, eventually your hidden, secret sins will find you out.  God will make sure of it.  I am grateful for God's kindness in this in showing me, revealing my flaws to me with someone safe and giving me the opportunity to right this wrong.

Tuesday, 5-Jan-2016 - Have It Your Way

What happens when you don't get your way?  Do you tend to pout?  Manipulate others?  Threaten if it's not done your way that you're going to . . . ?

I was talking to a close friend who is married to a very nice man.  She was complaining about some things about him, which the one thing is pretty big.  But, he is an honest man, kind, nice to her, respectful, loves her, supports her.  He changed jobs, which was not an easy task because he had been at his job for many years, but with her encouragement, he got a much better job, which also enables them to have a better life somewhat.

She is now able to go to school without needing to work.  But, the one thing is, she is not in love with him.  Let's face it.  There is no ideal man nor woman in this world.  We all have to compromise and learn & grow.  She could divorce this guy, then it would be another divorce under her belt.  And, she could try to find another man that would give her the things she isn't getting in this marriage.  But, probably whomever the next guy is, he's going to lack in some areas, too.  So, what do you do?  Get a divorce each time your spouse isn't ideal?

Or, if you're married to a good person that you chose to marry and they are committed to you, why don't you guys work through things and really put your marriage in God's hands?  I mean really put it in God's hands.  That's easier said than done, but I know about this because I'm doing it.

I love my husband and I think he's the best guy for me and I'm so glad that I married him.  Our first year definitely wasn't easy and I cannot tell you how many fights we had and how awful they were.  I felt at some points really discouraged.  But, when I began to really get serious with my relationship with God in a way I've never, and basically by stop blaming others for my problems or the issues in my life and getting healing for my soul, everything changed.

When change begins to happen, it's not easy.  You have to press through even when you feel like giving up.  I believe the Bible to be true.  My friend said she's tried it the Bible way, but it doesn't work.  I'll surmise that she only tried the parts of the Bible she wanted and not in full.  You can't take a verse or two out and make it into something you want to hear.  You have to take it for what it really is.

Sometimes facing the truth and taking responsibility genuinely stinks.  But, if we press through, persevere through all of it, God does bless and we do come out not smelling stinky, rather some glorious fragrance.  My husband and I still have tough times that we go through, but they are far and few between because whether my husband seeks God or not, I know I am and I stand in the gap for my marriage.  I've seen God's blessing and hand continually.

I have praised God through my challenging times, as well as in my blessed times.  Praising and worshiping God, getting my soul cleaned along with repentance have been life changing for me.  When we repent, we not only forgive, ask for forgiveness, but we turn from what we've done wrong.  And after that, you need your soul wounds from those sins healed.

As humans, we are often so messed up with so much junk, so we need to continually come before God to get really cleaned, and the more we do it, the less junk there is left to deal with.  We can't threaten God.  Oh, God, if you don't make my husband this perfect man, I'm going to stop believing in you!!  Who does that hurt?  God is not threatened by us.  It sounds so childish, but I know many people who have been hurt or disappointed in life threaten because God didn't do things their way, He must not be God at or, or that He doesn't love them.  That really is hogwash.

Hopefully and prayerfully, my friend does not choose divorce.  But, if she should, I won't judge her, rather just be sad and just continue to pray for her, love her.  Awhile back, I let go of the things I don't care about in my husband to the Lord.  And if the Lord should choose to change him to be more what I would like, then great.  But if not, I will still choose to love my husband and respect him.  I am seeing the freedom in letting go and let God.  Yes, that is a cliche, but it's true.

I have found that as I let go, God has been changing my husband, but more importantly, I've changed and I've learned to trust God more.

Sunday, 12-Apr-2015 - Learning Lessons

Sometimes learning can be quite painful.  As I'm pressing forward and God is healing my soul wounds, which leaves me with less that I have in common with the enemy, there is a greater expectation of obedience that I'm learning about.

This past Tuesday, there was something I wanted to do that I distinctly knew was wrong, that God did not want me to do it.  I heard Him clearly in my mind tell me not to do it.  But, I chose in rebellion to do it anyway.  It seemed like such a small thing.  But, spiritually, the Bible states in I Samuel 15:23 that rebellion is as witchcraft.  It was this rebellion that caused God to reject King Saul.  And then a host of not good things happened when God took His hand off Saul.

When I knowingly disobeyed God, that was rebellion.  Thus, this was not in line with God, rather the enemy, the devil.  What happened shortly later was my husband and I got in an argument over the phone, which is not exactly normal for us, especially if he's at work.  Then, from that argument, I began feeling in despair, hopeless, depressed.  I am not a depressed kind of person.

Over the next hours to come, it was not pleasant.  I couldn't think about God, couldn't really connect with the Lord.  My mind was so depressed and not in its right mind.  When my husband got home from work, my reactions to him and him to me were not good.  In the end, we got into this huge incident where it was not good.  It brought trauma to all of us emotionally - my husband, my kids, my dad, and to myself.  It was simply awful.

When I finally went to bed (without repenting to the Lord), I was further depressed and feeling awful.  When I took the kids to school, I felt awful, but I began to repent as I drove and the tide began to turn.  I began to get a clearer mind and continued to pray through what I know regarding soul wounds.

Sin is sin.  There is no such thing as small sin in the Kingdom of God, because God IS HOLY.  He tolerates NO SIN.  That sin put a great wedge between God and I and it caused things in my soul, the wounds and the wounds of my husband, for the enemy just to really wreak havoc to our family, over what I thought was seemingly small.  It wasn't small.

As my soul gets healed more and more, it means greater intimacy with my Lord, but there is a higher realm of expectation and power that I have through Jesus Christ.  But, it also means a greater level or righteousness and Holy living is required.  It was a very tough lesson to learn this past week, but as Romans 8:28, God can turn any situation around for His good.

Repentance turns the tide.

Good Friday, 3-Apr-2015 - More Soul Wounds Healed

These were flowers I had taken last weekend as my husband, daughter, and a friend of ours were on our way to the mountains.  We stopped by a nearby area to take some pictures of some round yellow flowers.  These are not them.  On the way back to the car, I passed these flowers, but, as I've been learning in my daily walks and time with God, sometimes what seems very insignificant can be magnificent and wonderful.

These flowers were just on the side of the road and looked like weeds.  But upon closer inspection, there is a gorgeous beauty to them, the brilliant contrasting colors amidst harsh desert surroundings.  Thankfully God brought rain periodically in the past few months and these flowers were able to survive for quite awhile.

Sometimes in order for us to appreciate life and the tapestry God is weaving in our lives, we need to take a huge step back, or two or three and see the bigger picture.  What is God doing?  Other times, we need to come in real close and see the things that there is to be grateful for.  Zoom in on those things and you will find a beauty you've never seen before.

I'm learning to worship, praise God in a new special way, with new eyes.  These months I have been pressing towards getting my soul wounds healed, so I can see better with my mind and soul, rather than through the jadedness of my soul wounds.  

As God continues to show me areas of woundedness, I begin to repent and apply the blood of Jesus from the Cross to those sins.  I don't stop there, but then I apply Jesus Resurrection Dunamis Power to those wounds caused by sin.  Then, I take my authority in Jesus, because my spirit man is perfect and a new creation in Christ and get rid of the enemy.  When my soul wounds are healed, I now have the legal right to bind the enemy and kick him out.  Then, you must replace all the areas the enemy resided in with the the Lord's Glory, His Light.  

I am changing, and as I pray for myself, I'm seeing my environment, how others respond to me as well as me responding them to changing greatly.  And, as my soul wounds get healed, I begin praying for other's soul wounds to be healed.  God is doing stuff.

Recently I gifted a friend of mine a bunch of Katie Souza's stuff and she's been doing this and seeing amazing changes that only God can do as her soul wounds get healed.  God is good!!

Sat, 1-Nov2014 -Repentance Breaks Barriers

One of the things I am learning is what repentance is.  Since the Holy Spirit lives inside me, which the Holy Spirit is God, and God cannot tolerate sin, what I gather is when we have sin in our lives, and we do not repentant, then we are in disagreement with God.  That is not a good thing.

Though when a person asks Jesus to be their Savior and they repent, I believe on a continual basis when we sin, that we need to acknowledge, ask God for forgiveness and He will forgive us, and then turn from the sin.

What I´ve found for me that I do not have blatant big sins per se, rather mine are of my attitude, thoughts, words.  For example, being offended leads me to sin in those areas, causing me to judge people, be unkind, unloving.  So, God is helping and teaching me to stay unoffendable, to keep short accounts with Him.  And, what I am finding God usher in peace and love into my marriage, my home, and other of my life, as well as bringing huge blessings.

To whom are we in agreement with?  The Lord of all Creation or the enemy?