When You Rise Up - Chapter 2 - What Does He Know?

On Our Wedding Day - Simple Bands, But A Deep Love That Crossed Oceans & Continents

1.  Share one or two differences between you and your husband that first attracted you to him before you were married.  Has this changed?  If so, why do you think it has?

Two things that attracted me to my husband originally were his ability to really take the time to listen and his good manners.  Many Latin American men I knew were arrogant and egotistical and I was not attracted to such men.  He still is a great listener and takes the time to listen, whereas I am a hurried listener.  And, unless he's really upset, he is a gentle person.  So in both these, he has changed for the better.  And I have learned to become a better listener.  Though, I still have a long ways to go.  He's helped me to be a better listener by providing helpful feedback and with EMDR therapy, EFT, soaking warfare prayer, I am changing.  My personality is fairly aggressive and assertive, but I'm seeing that isn't always the best and seeing that there are times to be gentler, kinder.  Now my husband's style of listening and responding to things, especially when things upset him, are much better.  He's learned to acknowledge when he's wrong, apologize and to make changes to not do again.  But, we've both changed a lot for the better.

2.  Name one parenting difference that you have with your husband that may be a difficulty for you.  Why do you think it is difficult?  (Be sure to be respectful toward your husband if you are sharing this in a group.)

My husband is very consistent in parenting and he doesn't forget usually.  I used to be the complete opposite - really nice and wonderful, soft and then really harsh when I was frustrated, like a roller coaster.  What I was doing was not good.  My husband's consistency has been super helpful and has helped given the kids greater stability, even if they don't always like the correction and discipline.  There is greater respect, honor and order in our home, as well as peace and I believe happiness.

Being consistent in parenting is challenging for me because I grew up in a very strict, harsh home and I didn't want my kids to feel like I felt - useless, good for nothing.  I know now that my parents didn't mean it like that but that wasn't so when I was a kid and I ended up making a lot of bad choices because of it.  I want my kids to be sparred that, but I also don't want them to feel entitled and not work for or earn things that they should be.

3.  How does Philippians 2:3-4 - 3 In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. 4 Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too. (ERV) encourage you to see your husband's unique perspective?

There are usually multiple ways to skin a cat.  Our perspective is based off our experiences, knowledge, emotions, values, beliefs.  No two people are exactly alike.  I've learned that my husband has great insights that shock the pants off me often.  I didn't think he thought that deeply about some things and he does.  Whereas, sometimes I think in some things he thinks deeply and he doesn't.  He has a high emotional intelligence and I've come often to value this great quality in him.

4.  Is there any area in your marriage that you need to give your husband more respect?  Is there something in which you know he needs your verbal support?  how will you show him respect his week?

I think when I'm stressed out, tired, and/or not feeling well, sometimes I take things wrong and can be quite sarcastic in a mean way.  This is not good and right now while I'm under the weather, I need to be extra careful that I'm not offensive and more understanding as he is understanding towards me.

He loves his bonsai tree hobby and though at the beginning I fought him on it, the Holy Spirit convicted me that I am to let me husband lead, be loving, kind, supportive, but also offer good wisdom (when asked) and God will take care of things, even if my husband makes mistakes, which he will.  Learning to let this go and show him support, be interested in his bonsai stuff through taking photos, helping him with his plants with watering, misting and all the many things I do are things I show support to him.  Also, having a great attitude and truly being interested and concerned when he is.

5.  Reflect back on the following verses from this chapter and write out how you can apply them to your marriage today.

• Proverbs 12:18 - 18 Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal. (GNT)
• While I'm ill, I can THINK before speaking.  Is this value added?  Is this going to help?  Sometimes silence is better than saying poor words.  I know I'm getting better in this because of all the loving things my husband is giving back to me in affection.

• Proverbs 16:21 - A wise person gets known for insight; gracious words add to one’s reputation. (MSG)
• I am learning that I do not have to fix or solve all problems.  Sometimes my husband just wants to tell me things and he doesn't want anything from me except listening to him.  For this, my husband is most appreciative and it makes him feel loved, feeling listened to and respected because he doesn't need me to solve everything for him.  I'm his wife, his life partner, not his mom.

• James 1:19-20 - 19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. (NLT)
• Sometimes just by listening and not reacting emotionally, it's a great thing.  Actually, usually.  Sometimes we get angry as we don't fully understand the situation and even if we do, doing things in a calm, rational manner is usually far better than being over reactive.  God can do great things when we control anger.  Another way to help control anger is to continually forgive those who offend us so that no bitterness takes root in our hearts, thus we are not angry people.

• Ephesians 5:33b - and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].
• My husband has really taken notice of how much more loving I am towards him by not over reacting and being all emotional about everything and about wanting control over everything.  This has caused him to be a much nicer, gentler, caring husband as well as more affectionate in the way I want.  It's taking awhile, but if we honor God in His Word, even if it looks impossible, He will make a way.  I treasure my husband by respecting him through my words and actions.

The Intentional Woman: Pursuing a Heart of Wisdom - Chapter 5 - The Intentional Wife

It's been quite some time since I did homework due to how the class has been and we've been on break.  This was an excellent chapter.  Well, they all are so far.

R - Resist your desire to challenge, correct, nag and boss him.
E - Engage in his interests
S - for SHHHHH
P - Pray for him
E - Enjoy him
C - Control your body language
T - Thank him

This was taken yesterday during our many lunch dates we have, though, lately not as many because of an overpacked schedule by me.  My husband is patient and he really enjoyed that I dressed up and made time for him.  God brought in gentle breezes and cooling down this very warm Valley of the Sun for us.  These little date times dotted throughout the week help our marriage so much.

1.  Write down any thoughts or insights that you gained from this chapter.  What was notable to you from the reading?

What stood out for me was really a courtship and friendship process that needs to continue after marriage.  My husband and I had such a short dating period, that that courtship period wasn't long.  I think we got some things reversed.  The first year or so was very challenging due to cultural, personality, and other differences.  Being remarried for both of us in our mid 40s can provide a challenge as we are set in our ways.

By the grace of God and His mercy, we have both learned to become more flexible.  In the last year, we have been doing more courtship type things and I'm seeing how it's deepening our relationship and marriage with each other.  The acronym for RESPECT was truly enlightening and I concur with what the author writes.

2.  What were some things you did for your husband while you were dating and maybe early in your marriage that expressed the idea of philandros love?  Do you still do them?  Why or why not?

Since dating time was so short, it's tough to answer this question.  What we do do now that expresses the idea of philandros love is share in each other's interests and loves.  I have a passion for health, fitness, God, and our children and my husband gets involved in these things.  While he has a passion for photography, wrestling, traveling, TV.  We often watch TV together, though not always.  We watch a series together and we wait for the other and not go ahead in the episodes.  We also regularly have lunch dates together where I drive to his work and we eat outside, talking, sharing.  We do a lot of little things together and spend a lot of time each day together.  He will go shopping with me or me him.  We have regular dates often and that really helps us so much.

Although I do not like WWE, my husband loves it and I will sometimes sit and watch with him and I am learning the characters and to sort of get into it.  I know he loves it.

3.  How does disrespect damage sweetheart love?  Review Proverbs 14:1 in thinking about your answer.

The wise woman builds her house,
    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

It really tears my husband down and makes him think I don't value and respect him when I'm a nag, don't trust him, bring up bad things about the past.  This in turn causes him great anger and makes him not feel wanted and loved.  When I respect him, do those philandros love things for him, his whole countenance changes and he's like a giddy schoolboy in love with me.  I have to often become very intentional to not be disrespectful, because it's so easy - from a look, or making a decision all by myself when I should always include him, especially when it comes to things regarding the kids.  He wants to feel needed not just financially, but as a father, husband, man, friend.

4.  In what areas do you think you can improve your RESPECT for your sweetheart?

I think I can think before I speak, I mean really think first.  Also, I can put myself in his shoes and instead of reacting with my feelings are heart, just take some moments back to see if it's beneficial to say what I'm thinking.  And, I can stop overloading my schedule because this overwhelms me and us, our family.  Lastly, I can lighten up because at times I am far too serious.

5.  Think of some practical ways to share with the group about being an intentional sweetheart.

Have regular small dates together every week, and daily have time for just each other, at least a few minutes, if not more.  Laugh together regularly.  

Different By Design - Husbands & Wives

I listened to this podcast, "Different By Design" and it is AWESOME.  Take a listen to it.  It's 62 minutes and well worth it if you're married, thinking about getting married.

Now in my third and final marriage, the things she talks about totally make sense to me.  I was so independent in my first 2 marriages, always needing my way.  And, I never respected my husbands.  Naomi gives a much better perspective and now that I have a successful marriage that I love and my husband also loves being married to me, my view has completely changed.

My husband has amazing emotional intelligence.  God had brought the right man to me and my husband was right when he told me he was my Mr. Right.  Our first year of marriage was rocky because I had a hard time respecting my husband.  But, as my soul started to get healing, I was able to begin to put to practice in showing my husband respect.  THAT is the main way I can show him that I love him.

Praise be to God I have been able to do things MUCH differently in this marriage.  It has transformed my life, my children's lives, marriage, my relationships with my parents, my family, other people.  I've been able to learn to set healthy boundaries not only for myself, but for others and learning to enforce them.  The things I was once a slave to no longer enslave me.

I love the beginning of I Peter 3 in the Bible:

• Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won overwithout words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
• 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

I've seen as I've shown my husband respect, truly listening, engaging, stop being so self-conscious of my body (still working on this), and a host of other things, I've seen how my husband has responded and greatly loved on me the way I need.  We've been married now 3 1/2 yrs and every month it gets better.  We do have rough periods as we work through things, but I've seen God's blessing when you first submit to Him, and then submit to your husband.

I'm learning to let go of that defiant, stubborn nature and trust my husband.  Even if he does make a mistake, I've learned that God does redeem and bless in even greater measure since I chose to trust and respect my husband instead of giving in to feelings that I had, which can be often quite intensified and emotional.  My husband isn't perfect, nor am I, but God is changing and transforming us into something even better.

I'm ecstatic to be walking this life with my soulmate, the man of my heart, my best friend, and the true love of my life (next to God).  In an age where women are taught to usurp men and that they have to be like us, I beg to differ.  I had 2 marriages where I followed the world's way that women should be and it ended disastrously.  I grow more in love with not only God, but my husband as the days, weeks, months, and years go by.

You cannot change others.  BUT, you can change yourself and watch the world change around you.