Mon, 30-Jan-2012 -- The Journey

Walking on the sun, a photo by RMontoro on Flickr.

Today I woke up excited that I was embarking on a journey to get to a place I've not been to. Maybe this would be the time, after searching what seems like endlessly for what I've been striving for.

A part of my spirit is competitive, but sheepishly, I don't always deal with failure gracefully. Today, in a different area of my life, I had some great failures that sent me in a course that I'm still not off right now, which I need to get off that course. It has me questioning things in a way that isn't good.

Once again, I'm figuratively humbled and realize I am weak, and that I can't do ANY of this life without Christ. I am utterly depraved. I didn't wake up feeling like this, rather hopeful.

Yet, this evening, my heart is aching and my spirit is still frustrated and angry. Sitting here catching up on my "Experiencing God" study, and so far behind, the Bible verses leap off the pages and convict my heart, but it's not with condemnation.

It's refocusing me on God, not my circumstances. I was far from godly in anything for the past 5+ hrs. I allowed my temper and past failures sink me into a pit of anger & despair.

It feels like I'm in the desert, but there is a mirage. Probably more than ever in my life, I am more focused on God and walking in faith. He has me on a super short leash. Stuff is happening, changing quickly.

No longer do I want to take years to go through things. Repentence is one of the keys. I so need God in EVERY aspect, EVERY thought, EVERY emotion, EVERY action, EVERYTHING!

Sanctus Real has a song called "Redeemer" that really depicts some of what I feel.  Why Sanctus Real wrote this touches me and gets me off my own circumstances:

Healing

I would have to admit that I see where I am in my life and being a person that is continually seeking to improve, to be better, to be healed, to grow & mature as a person, that somehow I assume and want that for others. The fact is, not everyone wants that for their lives or if they do, do they want it at the rate I want it, or in the method I do. Just because someone may see it differently for themselves, does not mean that is either right or wrong, it's just not me.

Tonight as I took ministry training at church, it was reiterated to not manipulate or cause damage to someone in their healing process, in how God wants to work in their lives.  It totally struck me as I wanted so desperately to get past my own issues, that I wanted that for others.  One person came to mind in particular, and I feel bad for how I pushed that person to heal quickly, to do it in my own timing, rather than just letting God deal with the person.

Anyway, today was Class 1/5 of ministry training and it was really good.  I can be a person that really aggressively wants good for people's lives and make things go too fast, push too hard, and just really not realize it.  Good intentions. 

Maybe some people really don't want to heal, and I need to be okay with that.  Because when you get healed of crap in your life, things change.  Expectations changes.  Lots of things change.  Maybe some people don't want that change for whatever reasons.  It's not my place to tell someone they need to change.  It's up to them.  Timing.

I'm sure there were times others were frustrated with me because I just wasn't getting it, but through the course of time, circumstances, God changing me, I eventually was ready to change and did.  God does the real changing, but only when I am ready to surrender to God to allow Him to change me.

In the meantime, I'm called to love people just where they are at and let Jesus flow through me and do the stuff Jesus did.  I have so much learn.  Anyway, I can't heal myself or anyone.  Only Jesus can heal.  I'd like to share this song by Sheri Carr called "This Heart of Mine".  I hope the song blesses you as it's blessed me.  It's from her "Fearless Now" album.