Wed, 4-Jan-2012 -- No Freedom

Eye Penelope Cruz, a photo by AγsЋα Aяαβέϊſſσ on Flickr.

I want to thank God for showing me some things in the past few hours that really opened my eyes to some things in my life. For the past 2-3 yrs, I've really been challenged with my financial situation, that it's really puzzled me a great deal as to how I've reacted and responded.

It doesn't make sense to me, being a rational person, but it probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people either that know my situation.

This evening, as I looked at people, things, events that have come into my life over the past 6 months, there have been many questions that have hovered over me. Some, I've been unwilling to ask until tonight.

Maybe the reason why I chose never to ask those questions is because I didn't want to know the answer, but as time continues to march forward, I can no longer remain where I am financially and need to be making better and more aggressive progress than what I am.

There have been many fears that have beset me, but none of those fears are from God. The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

My biggest fear financially is to not have the time to raise my children in the manner that freedom with one's time allows. I have taken my role very seriously as a parent in raising my son and daughter in God's ways, but also to teach them to be responsible, incredible people.

My daughter has 6 more years left of school before she goes to college, and my son, 9 yrs. The time goes by very quickly. Those years when I worked outside of the home while they were younger tore my heart apart, as I wanted to be home with them raising them myself, not someone else.

I've enjoyed the privilege of the past 5 yrs to do this, and I don't know if I'll be able to figure out how to make money and enough of it and still be able to stay home with them. But, for now, I need to do what I need to do financially to get us from where we are to where we need to be.

Maybe I need to ask different questions and let God go to work, just trusting in Him, while also just stepping out in faith to just do what I need to do jobwise - to be okay even if the answer is not what I want it to be.

Maybe somewhere in relinquishing freedom with my time, maybe I gain something much better in the interim that God needs to do in my life or maybe in the lives of other people. God would not call me to do something He will not equip me to do.

This evening I cried as I used some tools God has given me over the past decade to release the emotions that keep me bound in a bad place financially. I'm just surrendering all of this to Him.

Perhaps for those reading, this is a no-brainer, but for me, it wasn't logic that dictated what I did, rather my emotions. I'm going to ask God to reveal more to me, and to help get rid of all the fears that keep me from making good choices in this area that please Him.

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It's one of my life verses.

And, Deuteronomy 8:18 says, "It is God who empowers me to be able to create wealth." But, to be able to create wealth, one must take action. Here goes.