1. Write down any thoughts or insights that you gained from reading the chapter and Scriptures. What was notable to you from the reading?
Bitterness starts with a seed and it truly grows into a large weed if you water and nurture it. Just like the title of this book - the Intentional Woman, one must be intentional when we are offended to forgive and let God heal our hearts and souls. Surely being married isn't easy because you can see the best and worst of someone. When all is said in done, in marriage, your spouse sees the real you and sometimes that can be quite ugly.
The thing is, every time there is a bitter weed that crops up, one must dig it up from the root through intentional forgiveness and work to keep the garden of one's marriage free from the destructive bitter weeds. Not easy. And some things that you need to forgive take time, the more hurtful it is. Forgiveness is often a process that is both intentional and takes time.
What is in our heart is either the wellspring of life or of death. I know with me, I often have conversations in my head silently. But in Philippians, it says to think on things that are good and lovely, of good report. I can honestly say when I'm upset, angry this is not the case, unfortunately and there is so much anger vomit that it's so disgusting in my mind. If you allow those things to fester, they will grow and develop into bitterness.
Sarcasm is one form of bitterness, that is, biting sarcasm done in anger. Bitterness ultimately destroyed Michal's marriage to David. We have a prime example of how our words can either give life or death. And, not just our words, but our attitudes, our posture, how we act and do things.
This is something I must constantly guard against not only in my marriage, but towards those whom have offended me.
2. Imagine that you were Michal's friend and she had confided her bitter heart with you before her husband had arrived home that day. What Biblical counsel would you have shared with her, given what we know from the Bible about this situation? What Scripture would you encourage her to think about?
I would share with her that God loves her and understands her situation. None of us are perfect. We are not and neither are our spouses. Maybe the thing we are offended by is what God is wanting to change in us, if we will allow Him to change in us. But, our offendedness doesn't allow us to see it. We should pray for our spouses and give it to God. Each time we are offended, lay it down before God. As we allow God to change us and let go of controlling our spouse, THEN and only then will God change the situation for the better. I have seen this in my own marriage.
It may not happen quickly, but as we change, the world around us changes.
Some verses I will share are:
- Hebrews 12:15 - See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
- Philippians 4:8-9 - 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
3. What can we learn about how a man feels about respect as we observe David's response to his disrespectful and disapproving wife? From Ephesians 5:33b, what do we learn about the importance of a wife giving her husband respect?
I have learned this in a way the hard way. In my first two marriages, I was always being disrespectful to my husbands. No wonder why things turned out the way they did. I thought I needed to say my piece and that was alright, and that it was my right. But the reality is, it disrespected and discouraged my husbands greatly.
Thankfully for my husband now who has been patient with me to teach me how to respect him. It hasn't been easy as I've been very strong-willed and stubborn. But, as I sought God to not have another failed marriage and humbled myself before Him, God showed me how and when to shut my mouth. God taught me how to trust Him to change me, to change my husband and that's exactly what He has done.
He's transformed my marriage, taught me know when to keep quiet, but also when to speak up. He's taught me how to change my attitude, words, and posture to truly respect my husband and to have him feel respected. That has been tremendous in our marriage and very healing. God had to heal many things that were hurting and root out those bitter words that had grown into gigantic trees over the decades.
I see respect in a totally different way. I have truly learned (and still learning) how to agree to disagree and that be alright. By respecting my husband, it shows him great love. When he feels loved, he is in turn able to better love me. It has not been easy to undo decades of bad habits and bad learnings. But day by day, God is transforming my marriage to be better than I could ever imagine marriage to be.
4. Describe and discuss how these verses connect words and the heart?
Proverbs 10:19-20 - Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.
You can tell what you've been harboring in your heart by the words that are coming out of your mouth. It's not saying that if you have a bad thought you're awful, rather if you cultivate this, in the end, it's what wraps your heart and it will eventually come out of your mouth. You do not have to say everything that comes to your mind and sometimes it's better to not say anything and ask God to help you with your heart, to clean it from all offense, bitterness, anger, etc.
Proverbs 13:10 - Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
When we take advice, it means we are being humble. As long as that advice is sound. Strife means there is discontentness and often that is as a result of pride. Humility is the opposite of pride. When we're humble, we're more able to seek good counsel and make right choices, including our words.
Proverbs 15:28 - The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
We need to not speak whatever enters our minds because sometimes those thoughts are not from God or wise. We should consider, think before we speak. Is it appropriate? Is it necessary? Does it build up or tear down? Does it really need to be said? Are you upset or angry or offended? If you're emotions are negatively strong, it's best to keep your mouth shut until you've calmed down and dealt with what is bothering you.
Proverbs 16:21-25 -
21 The wise in heart are called discerning,
and gracious words promote instruction.[a]
and gracious words promote instruction.[a]
22 Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent,
but folly brings punishment to fools.
but folly brings punishment to fools.
23 The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent,
and their lips promote instruction.[b]
and their lips promote instruction.[b]
24 Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
25 There is a way that appears to be right,
but in the end it leads to death.
but in the end it leads to death.
Prudent in this case to me means being wise, restraint, being intentional and thoughtful, using good timing. I have found when I let myself calm down, pray about something that is offending or bothering me, asking the Holy Spirit for direction as to what to do or say, He does guide me and often what I would say or do is vastly different during these times than during times of emotional turmoil.
Every time I have just lashed out, it's never turned out good.
Be intentional with your words. Are they necessary? Are you emotionally negative? If you're emotionally negative, wait. It can save a lot of heartache. Don't spew out all that negative vomit.
5. Would your husband say that you struggle with respecting him in certain areas? What changes do you know are needed to express a greater respect toward him as a man, a husband, and even as a father?
Yes, he would say I have struggled greatly in this, but I'm made huge improvements in the past 3 years. And it continues to get better. I really just need to be more intentional and not speak when I'm angry, wait to cool down. And when my husband is angry, give him plenty of space until he has cooled down, too. We are much better at it.
And, I must also make sure I take care of myself to not let myself be vulnerable to being in a bad mood, which means getting enough good rest, eating healthy, not over exercising, not overscheduling, not taking on too much.
Making It Personal Journal
Write any thoughts or convictions that you have in regard to this chapter. What changes will you make in your life as a result? What personal lessons from Michal and David's marriage will you apply in your own life? How will you be more intentional as a woman of God?
God has already been working on me in the past 3 years about this. For me, it's really to do daily offense and anger weeding. Some days are easy, others challenging. When I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, overscheduled, I tend to be sarcastic and moody, so the key is to make sure daily I get enough rest, eat well, not overschedule myself and set my expectations lower. This is a constant battle to do.
And, I must always reframe things and do it when I'm calm. Keep my mouth shut when I am angry and upset because this distorts how I see things. When I'm calm, I'm able to see things more clearly and be more opened. So, don't get offended.
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